The Truth Box

Poked and Prodded

2012-02-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

In late August I began pursuing alternative medical treatments to avoid taking a drug called Remicade. My Gastro doc felt this drug was my last hope apart from major surgery. Colon surgery, by the way consists of a two-part process. First they cut out most of the bad colon, bring part of the good colon (if there is any) to the outside, let you heal for several months and then they go back in and “fashion” a new colon with the what’s left. The good news is you don’t have to take all the intense meds for colitis anymore and your risk of colon cancer is greatly diminished but the bad news is you have a lifetime of less than normal bathroom habits. I’m trying to write this as delicately as possible, really I am!

So my step prior to that drastic measure mentioned above involves taking the infusion drug, Remicade. I will go to a clinic designed for infusion delivery and sit for about 2 hours while this drug surges thru my body. I will be left with a weakened immune system, an increased risk for Lymphoma, Heart Failure, Lupus-like syndrome and an assorted other unpleasant maladies. While I know that all drugs come with risks and side effects, this one scares me. And yet, despite the fear, I am ready for them to hook me up. I feel that bad!

Yesterday I had a colonoscopy. I don’t even know how many I have had. I go way, way beyond the “routine exam of people over 50.” This time around my inflammation was so bad the Dr. chose not to view the entire colon. I hope and pray nothing cancerous was lurking in a crevice he did not explore. After it was over he reminded me he wanted me to take Remicade over a year ago. I wasn’t ready then and I am not completely sure I am ready now.

My Alternative Medicine Dr. says I have to be at peace with my decisions. I need to bless the drug so that it can do its job. Four months ago I would have offered my veins kicking and screaming. She says I would foil the benefits of the drug with that attitude. I wonder what else I foil with the wrong attitude?

So today, the day after my colonoscopy, I showed up at the Dr.’s office for more poking. Blood tests and a TB test. Thursday brings a chest x-ray and bone density scan before I get the green light for Remicade.

I know there are worse diseases out there. God love all the people suffering from heinous forms of cancer and other serious illnesses. I try not to whine, does this sound whiney? If so, I apologize.

I show up places with a mustered smile and people ask, “Are you feeling better?”

Not yet ... but I have hope. Hope is good.

Still pursuing healing,
Caroline

p.s. Happy Valentine's day. Life goes on doesn't it?!

Sadness

2012-01-26T14:38:00.000-08:00

Sadness

Yesterday sadness clung to me like today’s low-lying clouds swathed on the landscape of the valleys alongside the freeway. Thick and seemingly impenetrable yet in reality, having no real substance at all. When I tried to articulate my woes to a friend, I felt like a silly seventh-grade schoolgirl not picked for Student Council.

Funny thing is, when most girls were experiencing social anxieties and feelings of isolation during those years between 12 and 16, I was not.

At the first Girl’s Club meeting, I remember leaving the room for a vote and returning to find myself elected President. I was on the B-squad for cheerleading and on the A-list for almost every party. I had a Junior in High School invite me to Homecoming (my parents said no). Socially speaking, I think I peaked out in Jr. High! In today’s vernacular, I was the s-h-i-t!

High School seemed relatively pain-free and remembering college days makes my heart sing. So I guess it was bound to happen. Some social despair finds it’s way into everyone’s circle at some point in time.

Relationships have ups and downs. Friendships wax and wane.

Real or imagined, I feel alone.

This disease fosters feelings of isolation. No one wants to hear how I really feel. True descriptions of my symptoms would elicit cries of “TMI!” When others are making plans for weekend get-aways I am just hoping I can make the drive to Kroger and back without incident.

Some other things drift behind the scenes. Friends fighting cancer. Job woes for those I hold dear. And I hate being misunderstood. I abhor unresolved conflict. When the two meet, the effects of both often multiply. And sometimes those, not even involved, choose to take sides dismissing the adage of “there are two sides to every story” and scorn me unnecessarily. I know dwelling on this negates the positive things I pursue for healing.

So today I followed my own sage advice and partook of some of my favorite tank-fillers. Trip to favorite coffee shop for tea and a scone…check! Visit to Half-Priced bookstore for purging and acquiring of books … check! Treatment from new Dr. (who I love and adore more with each ensuing visit) …check! Lunch with a favorite friend who totally gets me …check! Time for reading new favorite book (1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp) …check! Late afternoon coffee and neighborhood Bookclub later tonight!

Seeing the needle rise as we speak,

Caroline

Just Getting Started

2012-01-18T11:39:00.000-08:00

Starting fresh. New resolve. This year will be different. I always feel this way when the calendar turns over. A new me will emerge from the heavy life layers suppressing the true Caroline! I'll have to start wearing a nametag everywhere I go because no one will recognize me.

Up until now, reframing myself has not transpired. I show a minor burst of energy toward change but it fizzles quickly like the snow melting on the warmer asphalt roads of the Midwest winters.

Doing the same thing year after year expecting different results is likened to insanity. I must be a bit crazy then.

2012 will see real transformation. I feel it in my bones. I got a head start last September when I started my alternative/integrative medicine pursuit. It’s hard to explain that while my Ulcerative Colitis (UC) is as bad as it has ever been, in between bathroom stops, I feel great. Some have asked what I attribute this to. Supplements, diet change, acupuncture and prayer, definitely not in that order. The trip to the "new" Dr. was an attempt at avoiding a drug called Remicade (http://www.remicade.com/) and while I still have slight reservations, I no longer am averse to taking this drug. I’ve come to a place of peace with this next step of treatment.

This doesn't mean the new medicine exploration did not work. They never promised to rid me of my UC. They tried unsuccessfully to "turn it off". But I think I went there/am going there for different reasons, some I am not even aware of yet.

Projected transformations:
1. Walk! See this video! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo&feature

2. Travel! See Caroline go … without all the pit stops!

3. Knitting socks! It's intimidating but I'm going to do it!

4. Eat well. Remember, I do know my way around the Whole Food stores now!

5. A steadier dose of God things. You should see the books on my nightstand and Kindle!

I have to go now,
Caroline

New Year

2012-01-02T16:44:00.000-08:00

The family dispersed to their homes yesterday, save the Phoenix-bound boy who leaves later this week. I watched the buildup of new babies, painted rooms, elaborate menu planning, extravagant food shopping and careful gift purchasing slowly dissipate as the week wore on, ending in one final sigh ... of contentment when the last car drove away. How blessed I feel to have my children enjoy coming home to each other.

We opened gifts on Wednesday, ate a traditional Christmas dinner on Thursday, dined heartily at a local restaurant on Friday, consumed java and scones at our favorite coffee shop on Saturday, rung in the New Year with a bit of the bubbly and all drove to our hometown to have an extended family celebration on Sunday. Love, love, love all my extended family. Even the grumpy BIL who never seems to like what he gets from the Christmas gift game! I love him, too.

All the Christmas boxes still sit stacked in the family room but they are neater than ever, having been organized by yours truly. They'll hit the attic sometime later this week when there is room to maneuver in the garage. Most of the gifts have found homes on proper shelves or in closets. New books sit mingled with the old, ready for a read some quiet winter day. Now its time for pondering the New Year.

I expect great things. I'd love an even cleaner more organized house. I'd like some financial relief from some property that has been on the market for several years. A few new appliances would be nice as some are on their last leg. New furniture for the Lodge room would be great. I want a healthier body.

But enough of the physical.

Love God, love people seems like a great moral focus for the New Year. I do love God even though I kind of took a break from traditional church for a while. And I love people most of the time but here too, I see room for improvement. How to increase my love for both is something worth spending time trying to figure out. Hmmm ... Love expands when the heart is warm and pliable. This always brings me right back to thankfulness. My go-to act to get closer to God and feel more loving toward others lies in an increase in my level of gratefulness. By acknowledging God as the provider, I diminish self.

So goals for 2012: A big heart, full of love for all beings here on earth and in the heavenlies. And instead of a long list of things I want in the New Year (see two paragraphs above), an even longer list of all the things I feel truly grateful for.

Sounding a bit sappy but sincere,

Caroline

p.s. I got a Kindle for Christmas! Perhaps a no brainer for this bibliophile.

My Heart is Full

2011-12-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

This may be the best Christmas yet! I can't really explain it but while my illness is keeping some of my spirits down, the rest of me wants to soar. I am a wonder at this!

So I can't eat my normal quantity of cookies or family coffee cake this year. The plus side is I am slowly moving further from the Plus sizes! Little by little and barely noticeable but you know how that is when a woman sees even a half a pound of something disappear off her body? There is great rejoicing in the bathroom by the scale or in the Dr.'s office!

I have the green light for the consumption of apple, cinnamon and mushroom. Not in the same dish, mind you but apple crisp... here I come! One of the first things I consumed was a Starbuck's Pumpkin Spice Latte. I love them. I order mine with soy milk and less pumps and it pains me to say. "no whip", but I do. Some clerks are kind and don't even charge me extra for soy since I decline some of the pricey stuff.

I will also admit right here and now that I have had a little gluten more days than I should. It started out small and innocent and now the frequency of my ingestion resembles a snowball rolling down a steep hill. The rhetorical slippery slope is playing out when I make food choices. I feel mildly guilty about this. While my Dr. identified gluten as low on my taboo list, she also said it would not be one of the first things she would add back in. I've jumped the gun a bit. I need to toughen up my resolve. Hmmm ... I think I have said that before.

I still avoid bovine by-products. This one I have kept to almost faultlessly if you don't count a little milk chocolate every couple of days. A piece or two of pizza in 3 and 1/2months deserves a bit of praise, given that it is one of my favorite foods on the planet.

Rereading some older posts I see how exhausted I felt. Here lies improvement, as well. My Dr. says by the time I see her every two weeks, she can tell I am drained but not like I was when she first started sticking needles in me. And that whole acupuncture thing... I am truly a believer now. If I doubted it before, not anymore. I feel great about an hour after each session once I get my legs and equilibrium back.

But those are just some physical things I feel good about.

Some less tangible boons: The anticipation of having all my children under one roof for a couple of days during the holidays. Hearing the distinct cry and smelling the sweet breath of a newborn. Seeing the toothy grin of a baby who is days away from taking her first steps. The adoration exchange whenever I am near the newlywed couple. Chuckles which surface as I read son number three's Face Book posts as he counts down the end of an era of his life in the Deep South. The checkbook in the black enough for giving some to others not so fortunate. A caring husband who understands my despair of this illness.

And the recognition that a loving God cares about the timing of just about every little tiny thing in my life. How fascinating it might be one day to see it all from a heavenly perspective. By then, I probably won't care.

Trying to keep my feet on the ground,

Caroline

(photo from Photobucket)

New Things

2011-11-30T06:08:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened in the last two weeks. On Monday, of the week prior, our family experienced a "banner day." We got our second grandchild, born healthy and strong, our third son got three job offers in one day and our daughter sent a very lovely text, communicating her reflections on going to rehab. An odd sort of mix but wonderful, nonetheless!

My DIL was a trooper, giving birth to an 8 lb.8 oz baby boy, receiving Pitocin but no pain meds. Geesh! We love that they live only a few hours away so we will be able to partake in many of his childhood milestones. I stayed in their home while they were at the hospital and that proved a very satisfying experience. Seeing the mundane of your grown-up kid's lives feels very rewarding, especially if they are doing well. I love how they keep their home and their commitment to a balanced life is obvious by the things they have placed in it.

Son number three graduated from Auburn last December. Due to his over-exuberance for band life, his GPA took a few hits. This made finding a job a bit more difficult. While he stood head and shoulders above his peers in leadership qualities, his academic marks placed him lower on many recruiter's lists. Finally a top notch company fully appreciated his role of head drum major for a band of over 350 and gave him an onsite interview. Results are in and he will move to Phoenix sometime after the first of the year.

About this time, two years ago, our daughter returned from Remuda Ranch, a residential treatment facility for eating disorders. Never fully understanding how the experience effected her, it was nice to receive a recent "thank you." She expressed her gratefulness for our sacrifice of sending her there. Having her acknowledge this was priceless.

These are the things that make a heart sing!

Add in a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and a couple of good colitis days under my belt and I would wear a "Life is Good" t-shirt if I had one!

In case you are wondering how I navigated thru the dietary land mines of Thanksgiving dinner, here is a brief report: I took my own dairy-free mashed potatoes. Ate dressing, my most favorite thing, and knew I might suffer the gluten consequences later. Everything else I ate was legit except the pecan pie and the pizza we had the next day after family bowling time. I can't help it but pizza is my all time favorite food item. I can't and won't consume it as I did before but I know that I will continue to eat a piece or two now and then. I know you can make a gluten-free crust and use non-dairy cheese, but not when you order from Sugar Bear's, in Lancaster! All in all, I fared well. Thank you, God!

Enjoying the happiness,

Caroline

Missing Things

2011-11-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

I feel exhausted. I ache in places where most people don't give a thought to. I am really tired of not feeling well. So here is a little list of the things I miss/have missed because of my illness:

1. My niece, Mel's, wedding in Dallas. I am still not over that one.
2. Helping my parents after some surgery.
3. Time with my PDP girls. One of my greatest joys in life.
4. Jumping in the car to drive to Detroit when my dear friend lost her mother.
5. Thursday morning bible study.
6. Cleaning my house. Ok, I don't really miss it but it needs to be done.
7. Lunch with friends.
8. Almost missed our son's rehearsal dinner.
9. Small group.
10. Feeling normal!
11. Not having people asking how I am doing. While I certainly appreciate it, I feel its been going on so long, everyone is probably becoming numb to the whole thing and tired of viewing me as the "sick one."
12. Various bridal showers and parties.
13. A Caribbean Cruise with very good friends.
14. A brief visit with my good friend in Northern CA.
15. Cooking and eating like a regular person.
16. Being able to sit through a Broadway Play.
17. Helping my husband paint the condo.

Enough whining. I continue to try and focus on the good days but its been a pretty bad two weeks. I'll be more cheery next time! Promise!

Caroline

p.s. Forgot one of the most important events I missed ; my son's graduation from college! War Eagle!

It's my birthday!

2011-11-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. When I was younger, I shared my special day with three other classmates; Jayne, Tom and Rodney. I've lost touch with most of them but now I have a brother-in-law who shares this same birthday. So who cares, you might be thinking. Well ... I don't really like to share anything! I am basically an only child (although I have a very close step brother and sister) and I just don't share well! Want to borrow a book? Ok, but I will write it down that you have it. Need to see one of my DVD's? Fine, but you will likely get a call if its not back in a week. Really, I hold my possessions closely. Too close.

Upon reflection of todays events, I see where many people shared generously with me. Here are a few examples.

I signed up for a ladies bible study which meets every Thursday morning. I have made it to three out of eight of them. My teacher and fellow classmates share abundant grace with me for my missed mornings, sending me texts and messages encouraging me to come back whenever I am able. I cannot see myself extending this kind of grace to others in a similar situation.

Late this morning, after a very rough start, I went for tea with my hubby. We have a favorite shop and a favorite tea. Sometimes we read and sometimes we talk. Today we did some of both. He shares his heart and his life with me in oh so many indulgent ways. I love him for his abandoning love for me.

After lunch I went to visit a friend. It was raining so I snaked up and down the backroads to get to her house. (I have a tiny fear of wet leaves on the roads.) When I knocked on her door she showed surprise, admitting she forgot our appointment but was delighted anyway to see my face. We get together about once a month to pray. Its a sweet, sweet time and rather hard to explain but nonetheless, a treasured gift. She shares some of her deepest longings and fears, entrusting them to me as a young child trusts a parent's grasp in crowded street. What an honor to partake in another's joys and burdens.

Evening has come and all but one of my children have checked in. They lead busy lives but often choose to share their time with me even when I know they would rather be doing something else. For each moment we can spend together, I am truly grateful.

No cake this year... I can't eat it. The above picture is from last year when my wonderful hubby baked my favorite cake and made my favorite icing ... all by himself. This year, instead of a cake, my knitting teacher drove all the way to Whole Foods and practically spent her husband's entire paycheck to buy me gluten-free chocolate cupcakes! How sweet is that!

No pile of gifts save for those I just mentioned above. I'd rather have grace, love, relationships and a wonderful family than anything wrapped in a bow.

Still celebrating,

Caroline

I can do better.

2011-10-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been cheating a lot lately. Little nibbles here, little nibbles there. One day I ate a whole sliver (tiny, but still...) of pumpkin pie. That was pushing three barriers; gluten in the crust, dairy and cinnamon in the pie custard. Yikes, what was I thinking. I am getting bold and reckless and quite frankly a bit tired of it all.

But the question is; am I getting any better and the answer is YES! So why don't I appreciate the healing and hunker down harder to heal even more? Good question!

I think its typical of life. A little comfort creeps in and before I know it, I have fallen off the wagon. Well, thats an exaggeration but I have become lax. My focus was keener when I was most uncomfortable.

Things with sugar in them should taste sickening sweet by now. Haven't you heard people say, "after a while, you won't even want any sweets?" Well today I slid a box of peanut brittle into the purchase pile at Walgreens. My hubby was buying cold medicine and I was seeking a sugar fix. Prior to checkout, I did spend about 10 minutes reading candy bar wrappers looking for milk and such which is why I ended up munching on peanut brittle instead of a Milky Way Bar. Just about everything chocolate has dairy in it (duh!) unless you go super, black-hole-dark but I am not a lover of chocolate which resembles tar.

My cupboard should be bare of junk. I have gluten-free pretzels and some twig things that taste like tree bark with salt on them. I confess I eat Frito's on a regular basis to appease my salt and fat cravings. I thought I would be gnawing on turnips and munching kale at this point in time but instead I still want fries and onion rings.

So what are the real changes? I eat way less sugar than pre-elimination diet. I have a new appreciation/fear for dairy products. I buy all kinds of milk now. Almond, soy, rice and coconut. I can't see that changing. I like them. I read labels. I know what "the gums" are and why they are in lots of GF recipes. I think organic. Don't always buy organic but I consider it. I really do, for the most part, stay away from my forbidden dozen. Change is slow.

But like I said ... I can do better.

Thankful for some healing,

Caroline

Banner Day

2011-10-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

I need to shout a bit about today. I went to bed last night at 1:00 a.m. Could not fall asleep till after 2:00. Awoke at 3:30 and then again at 6:00 a.m., never really falling back to sleep after that and eventually arising around 7:00 a.m. Sounds like a rough start but really I had the most enjoyable day.

Our whole household has been sick with a 24 hour stomach bug so I decided to do something nice for my daughter and get her caught up on her laundry. This took all morning! I think she uses three towels every time she showers. Earlier, I had found a great gluten-free muffin recipe online so I enjoyed a cup of tea with a baked good that would have fooled most chefs!

Dr.'s appointment went well. She is always such an encourager, even after I confessed consuming gluten products on the day after my stomach purging. Chicken noodle soup, crackers and toast are just the go-to things one wants after being sick. Can't help it. And since I am not a true gluten intolerant, eating those few things did not make me feel any worse, thank goodness.

On to my favorite store, Half Price Books, where I sold $15 worth of unwanted dust collectors. I snagged a knitting book, a cookbook by a favorite author, a gluten/dairy/wheat free cookbook and a copy of my favorite book on the planet... "A Wrinkle In Time." Jackpot, baby!

ATM stop where I noticed I still had some money left in my work account even tho I lost my job 5 months ago. Grocery shopping at a newly remodeled Kroger's. Coffee to go from my favorite coffee shop, CP.

Home to cook scallops, baked potatoes and broccoli. Later in the evening we dropped by a friend's house to do some long overdue catching up.

Oh, and I am in the middle of a knitting project which requires a stitch, new to most of my knitting classmates. I practiced it on different needles and am happy to say I am almost the proud wearer of a new vest! My knitting teacher will be so proud. At least I hope so!

It's midnight now so I don't want to push my luck for any more good things to happen. I know I left out a few but I am happy to report, God is good. He is always good.

Smiling (and its been awhile),

Caroline

Plodding Along

2011-10-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight's Dinner: Butternut Squash Soup with Red Lentils and Gluten-Free Cornbread

I started to keep a calendar with all my foods listed. The purpose is two-fold. One, I keep track to make sure I do not eat the same foods for days in a row. Two, I began noting my good and bad days. Thankfully, the good days are out numbering the not-so-good ones. I rate them on a three tiered scale: good, medium and bad. Original, no? Let me say upfront that I feel a bit guilty rating my days. "Good" is all in perspective, isn't it?

Today I read a blog (Long Miles Coffee Project) about a family who moved to Africa in order to help the locals sell their coffee more efficiently. They moved thousands of miles away from friends and family to aid a community of folks in Burundi, who they don't really know.The language of their story is poignant and brilliant. I want eyes to see the world like they see it. I want to write the way they share their story. Baring my soul to draw in others yet preserving some of myself so that I don't disappear among the words.

Maybe I am talking about a search for significance? Or is it more about contribution? I am not asking for Steve Jobs importance, may he rest in peace. Or to move continents to aid others. Entirely different offerings to the "big picture", yet both impacting the world we live in.

This eating/health journey of mine is miles from extraordinary but it is important to me. Therein lies a balance question; how do I live life paying attention to self-worth, using my gifts and talents, and the proper focus on a healthy me, YET keep a reasonable perspective of where I fall in the bigger picture? I know people whose scope is so small they don't even know people grow coffee in Africa.

I want bigger eyes to see life. A larger heart would be nice too. Oh, and since I am asking, a healthier colon would be lovely!

Wondering at the world,

Caroline

Lists

2011-09-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

Almost daily someone comments on what I eat. "Oh, you can eat that?" or "Wow, I am surprised you are eating such and such." This chatter comes from perceptions people have about good foods and bad foods. I know I make my own share of assumptions on a variety of topics but right now I find these well meaning remarks mildly frustrating.

Thus far I have paid lots of money for tests and counsel on what my individual body needs to function well. We are all uniquely created and except for some fairly obvious rules like don't eat bacon cheeseburgers three times a day for a month, every system is different. I am learning to listen to my body and respond accordingly.

I had my consult last week with my new doctor after all the results were in from my testing. Some unusual things showed up on my radar screen. I mentioned a few before but I will give the entire list here today. First the good news; no weird bacteria, candida or parasites are growing within me. More good news; all my food sensitivities were mild to moderate. Nothing showed up as a high irritant. For these things, I am thankful. It may mean that I will be able to work most of the off limit foods back into my diet eventually.

Here is what I currently avoid: Buttermilk, Casein, American Cheese, Cottage Cheese, Mozzarella Cheese, Parmesan Cheese, Swiss Cheese, Whey, Yogurt, Gluten, Wheat, Baker's Yeast, Brewer's Yeast, White Mushroom, Cinnamon, Apple

There. Not too bad, right? Along with this is a particular consideration of sugar and vinegars. Those are found almost everywhere and I need to severely limit both.

Many kindly ask if I am feeling any better? The answer is yes and no. I have good days and bad days. Today was a very bad day. On days like this I wonder if its all worth it. I find myself thinking that if I just eat the right thing my symptoms will all go away. That's not really how this works.

Eating good food and avoiding the irritants will give me a leg up fighting this disease. It won't make it go away all together. Only surgery or a miraculous healing would do that. The idea is to fortify my system so that I can fight the Colitis from the best possible position.

Slowly but surely I gain knowledge and confidence in this journey towards health.

Eating Gluten and Dairy-free,

Caroline

p.s. I am feeling more comfortable shopping at Whole Foods. No longer feel like a poser!

The Pom Pom Story

2011-09-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

I’ll diverge from my food stories for brief time but here is a brief wedding weekend update: Made it thru the rehearsal dinner with my oil and fresh squeezed lemon on my salad. Yummy, really! At the last minute I went with a BBQ Chicken option over Grilled Salmon, finding out later that the salmon came with a large portion of butter sauce. I think I made the right choice. Only ate one cookie (C’mon, they were from the Bonbonerie!) Got a very pleasant gluten-free dinner at the reception with salad and fresh fruit for dessert. Not bad!

Now onto Pom Pom’s!

A couple of years ago my oldest son married a wonderful girl he met during his college days and had reconnected with several years later. We liked her immediately and saw she was a great fit for our son. At one of her bridal showers I gave her a set of pom pom's. I told her I was no longer serving in the role of head cheerleader for my son, that was her new job. It seems like a silly gift but to me, it packs a powerful message. Wives need to be encouragers!

Last weekend number two son married the sweetheart of his dreams. Again, at one of her showers, I gave her a set of pom pom's. She is the daughter of a Senior Pastor of a church several towns away and received the gift at the church shower where I knew only a few relatives. The bride read the note of explanation to the entire room and several people commented afterward saying they were touched by the sentiment.

This weekend at the wedding, one of the women from the church shower approached me as I left the dance floor (I did go to college during the height of disco so I do have a few moves!). She referred back to the pom pom gift and my note to my DIL. She said she went home that day from the shower thinking she was not the cheerleader for her son that she should be. They had experienced a few rough times and she knew deep in her heart that she needed to step up her encouragement to him. Then she thanked me for the message of encouragement, meant for my DIL but also received by her. It was icing on the cake to hear that story.

You never know who is listening.

Cheering for all women,

Caroline

It's Wedding Week

2011-09-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

"What foods can I eat at the rehearsal dinner and reception?", popped out of my mouth at my latest Dr.'s appointment. I wanted to cheat and I wasn't ashamed of it. After all, I baked over 800 cookies for the wedding without so much as a nibble. I deserve a break for a day or so, right?

Lucky or unlucky for me, my Dr. has a winsome way about her where she skillfully guided my thinking toward not really wanting sour cream on my baked potato. Oh, and the restaurant dressing won't really be a big deal, will it? I won't pick blue cheese or anything, (although I'd love that choice). Her reply, "Just ask for oil and some fresh lemon to squeeze on the salad. Oh, for heaven's sake!

I have the entree covered in both venues but I was hoping for a little relaxation of the rules on the sides and such. Not so fast. Some of my results are back and while I don't have Celiac's disease, I need to stay away from gluten. And sugar, which feeds the gluten. And dairy. And apples! Weird, huh? Next week I get the full report but right now I have to admit I already mourn the loss of cheese coneys!

Kroger has a decent gluten-free frozen section in their health food area. I purchased a pizza (what the heck is that cheese going to be, I really don't want to know), a frozen burrito and a small Mexican entree. I could eat at Morton's Steak House for what I paid for all of it but I'll give it a try.

That's what this is all about. Trying to find new ways to eat healthy and within my new found guidelines. Today the Dr. said, "Knowledge is power." I don't feel very powerful yet but maybe as I start to improve, I'll gain a certain confidence about my choices and the bounce will return to my step.

So many join me in avoiding gluten, which makes the adage, "misery loves company" ring true. And thank goodness for the Internet. Resources abound there and good friends sending tips, are balm to the soul.

This Friday, as MOG, I'll put on my "beige dress" and try and stay out of the way. Remembering how much I already love my new DIL will put the perfect smile on my face as I go down the aisle on the arm of my son, starting a brand new chapter in the life of our family.

Smiling already,

Caroline

Labor Day Weekend

2011-09-05T15:17:00.000-07:00

Normally, cooking for my family when they all gather makes my heart sing. Labor Day weekend hosts a baseball tournament where older guys, like my husband, can play alongside their sons. For a couple of years now, our oldest has returned to play with his dad. Its a sweet gig and they both love it. Lest you think the old guy might be stretching himself athletically, this man plays full up baseball about eight months out of the year. "Buff", could have his picture by it in the dictionary.

So the house filled up again with son, wife-with-child and large dog along with everyone else living here. Dirty dishes piled up, laundry increased, but so did the love and laughter. For occasions such as these I like to make meticulous lists of menus and groceries to buy. This time was different.

While I laid in foodstuffs which met my dietary needs, nothing sounded exciting or tasty enough for my gang. I just couldn't get past the "I can't eat such and such" enough to enjoy planning food for the weekend. Add to that, nausea has kept me even more off my hospitality game.

Fortunately the family rallied nicely despite my sullen mood. My daughter baked a pan of chocolate chipped cookies which kept everyone happy all weekend. My husband took everyone out for Mexican while I attended a wedding. Again, gastronomic victory! And the one meal I did plan for everyone besides breakfasts proved a rousing success. I grilled chicken, served a large green salad dressed with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette and made a red potato, green bean salad as a side. Either I have raised very polite kids, great actors or they genuinely enjoyed the meal.

It was hard to clean the cookie pan without snitching a bite. Morning waffles from scratch almost had me cheating as well but I survived day eight without veering of the strict diet plan.

I can't say I feel good about this because right this minute, I feel pretty miserable but maybe relief lurks around the corner. Dr. visit number three occurs tomorrow so we will see if she has an encouraging word.

My husband reminds me this is temporary. I focus on the discomfort of it all. I actually looked up some recipes for waffles which would have been allowable but they contained so many bizarre ingredients, none of which I had on hand, so I gave up and nibbled a rice cake instead.

Waiting for some relief,
Caroline

Poser Health Food Shopper

2011-08-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

Last evening I went to Whole Foods to buy my groceries. In the past, a similar trip only yielded turbinado sugar for hot tea and maybe a few muffins or cookies from the baked goods aisle. I never, well, almost never shopped from the regular grocery aisles. People shopping there were different than me. They dressed differently. They sometimes smelled differently. They looked like they were committed to a healthy lifestyle, not just a better tasting morning tea. I looked at them with a bit of wonder, always carefully avoiding eye contact so they wouldn’t guess I was not one of them.

Yesterday I got an actual shopping cart as opposed to my typical little arm basket, and went down every aisle. I milled around in the produce long enough to feel comfortable. The bulk aisle, my usual haunt, produced grains, raw pumpkin seeds and legumes in my cart. Shopping gluten-free is one thing but when you take out dairy and sugars it can feel punishing. So as I mentioned in an earlier post, I am reading every label, scrutinizing every ingredient down to the very last xanthan gum listing.

I have three friends working in the store I visited. Two of them were there last night. I needed that! I felt anxious about going in the first place and seeing their smiling faces and even getting a hug, made me feel at home in a place which previously made me twitch a bit.

Perhaps I sound a bit dramatic about shopping for health food? I think it’s more to do with not knowing what I am doing. Maybe a bit of a control issue? I can put a good traditional meal together with the best of them but in this new world of dairy-free and no wheat, I am still learning. What is “tamarind concentrate?” I bought it last night along with garam masala. Those items never crossed my radar screen before.

Learning new things and making deliberate choices feels good…a bit scary but scary can be good. So what if I don’t smell like patchouli yet or wear cool, organic looking clothing.

And those folks are mostly thin and glowing. I feel fat and faded.

But change is coming.

Pursuing health,
Caroline

Launch Day

2011-08-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

I considered setting my alarm for 6:00. Realized that 6:30 was probably plenty of time. Providentially awoke at 5:00 and barely made it on time to my appointment at 8:30. Today I finished collecting "samples" for my lab work culminating with a blood draw at the Center. For people with normally functioning colons, perhaps the collection process is routine. For me, a calamitous event almost took place. I won't go into details to spare you the yuck-factor!

Now I play the waiting game. About a month from now I will receive my dietary sentence. Sounding negative again? Guilty. I do hope they find some distinct food sensitivities but I have a wish list of which forbidden foods will NOT appear on the no-consume list.

The elimination diet begins today. I fasted until the blood draw but now comes the challenge of what can I eat? I began with a Lara Bar and a cup of tea, no milk or sugar. A fruit smoothie for lunch? Dinner will consist of baked chicken breasts with roasted potatoes, sweet potatoes and carrots. Not so bad. I can do this!

My household is not yet equipped for this new way of eating. My go-to foods in the fridge and pantry, mostly all now proclaimed off limits. Cooking and grocery shopping will require more deliberation. Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all. Being deliberate about reading a label, what goes into my grocery cart and into my stomach probably should have been happening all my life.

Well as they say, today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Anticipating Healing,
Caroline

Substitute Post

2011-08-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

So much for my carefully crafted post ready to go regarding my preparation for Monday's "Launch." As I was saving it and getting ready to copy it over to this site, my computer decided to quit. I have a Mac. I don't often have computer problems. I found this extremely disconcerting.

My whole day today was planned around computer activity. Posting my BLOG. Researching recipes. Planning menus. Yes there are other computers in the house but I wanted MY computer. I had special things bookmarked. I wanted to feel comfortable rummaging around in my own stuff. The glitch was a glitch I did not need given my apprehension of this new way of cooking, eating, living. It was hard for me to get past it, mentally.

So here I am to say. I spent my day wallowing in frustration and I haven't even started the hard stuff yet. This adds another layer of fear of failure if I can't even rise up from a minor setback such as this.

May I blame it on my depleted state which is the whole reason I am embarking on this journey in the first place? Quite possibly. Nevertheless, I press on, or Publish Post, whichever is working at the moment.

Still pursuing health,

Caroline

Catch Phrase

2011-08-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

Two in one day. Playing a bit of catch up.

Lets begin with some new terms I learned at my first appointment.

Integrative Medicine: Integrative medicine is the combination of the practices and methods of alternative medicine with conventional medicine. My center specifically combines the traditional benefits of conventional Western Medicine and evidence-based alternative healing therapies like acupuncture.

FSM: Frequency Specific Microcurrent is a new way of treating nerve and muscle pain and many other conditions using specific frequencies and micro amperage current. FSM is different from most other stimulation units. It is sub-sensory (i.e., you cannot feel it) and has profound healing effects.

Elimination Diet: An elimination diet is a method of identifying foods that an individual cannot consume without adverse effects. Adverse effects may be due to food allergy, food intolerance, other physiological mechanisms (such as metabolic or toxins), or a combination of these. Elimination diets typically involve entirely removing a suspected food from the diet for a period of time from two weeks to two months, and waiting to determine whether symptoms resolve during that time period.

Leaky Gut: Leaky gut is a name used to describe intestinal or bowel hyperpermeability. Tight junctions (TJs) represent the major barrier within the pathway between intestinal epithelial cells that line the digestion tract. Disruption of TJs leads to intestinal hyperpermeability (the so-called "leaky gut"), which has been proposed by some researchers to involve a relationship with acute and chronic diseases.

Definitions not mine. Ulcerative Colitis, definitely mine!

Pursuing Healing,
Caroline

A Year of Healing

2011-08-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I embarked on a new adventure. Turned over a new leaf? Began the first day of the rest of my life? Call it what you will but I feel like I stuck a stake in the ground and said, "We start now!"

A little history: I suffer from Ulcerative Colitis. It began in 2001 with the diagnosis of Proctitis, a relatively manageable disease, and has since mushroomed into a colon pocked from a nearby bomb detonation. In 2004 I was hospitalized for 5 days. That says something right there. For the past 10 years I have enjoyed extended periods of remission but since Spring of 2010, I have felt like crap. (I feel compelled to use that adjective given my malady)

I love my Gastro Doc. He really listens to me and doesn't mind my tears, which inevitably flow when I am in a colon flare. He is not, however, of a mindset for holistic medicine. His reasons are valid, he is not studied in that field. During my last appointment I told him I was going to explore alternative medicine options. He looked at me with tenderness and said, given how sick I felt, he totally understood my decision. God bless that man.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with a doctor who practices Integrative Medicine.

I believe sharing this story will do me good so welcome aboard if you'd like to follow along. All support is welcome!

Pursuing Healing,
Caroline

VACATION

2010-07-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

Day One: drive south through the mountains to join up with an old friend from our Air Force days, eating low country shrimp and sleeping in the family mountain home ... a wonderful beginning.

Day Two: change flight plans for son flying to join us for the beach, driving to two airports to first pick up son and then his bag, arriving to beach condo later than expected, finding a restaurant (A J's) in the driving rain, settling in.

Day Three: BEACH!, grocery shopping, meeting up with more old friends from our Air Force days, driving around the island looking for a place to dine (The Crab Shack) and getting a little lost and confused.

Day Three: morning walk on the beach, Full Day at the beach, rented an umbrella and chairs, brunch for lunch, Euchre game, pizza (Lighthouse) for dinner.

Day Four: resting sun burned backs by walking around Savannah in the pouring rain, note to self... come back and visit all the squares and find a good tea shop, dolphins in the river, finer dining at The Pirate House.

Day Five: back to the beach, big wave day, checking out the Pier on Tybee and some kitzy shops, more big wave play and a very late dinner at The Stingray.

Day Six: a do-nothing day, finally started a big book I have been putting off, dinner with old friends at their home... a low country boil, packing for two kids who are going home tomorrow.

Day Seven: Up early to see two of the three kids off, last day at the beach, Mexican for dinner, laundry and saying good bye to the ocean.

Day Eight: Up at 7 to pack and load the car, drive to ATL to deposit last child and then 8 more hours of driving till home.

Things to return for: more waves, a visit to the best breakfast place, scored flounder, even more scallops, more walking in the Squares, time with T&B, longer walks on the beach, find a good bookstore.

Things to bring next time: binoculars, more sunscreen, foil, router, I am sure I will remember something else.

A Slightly Bronzed Caroline

Tress distress

2010-06-24T05:39:00.000-07:00

Today I see my hair dresser. Is that what you even call them these days? We have an unusual relationship. Over ten years ago, her family moved to Atlanta. In order to keep from working full time in her new location, she decided to return once a month to this area, cram all her regular patients into one long weekend and be done with it. I think she is happy with the arrangement. It got her a break from the family, time with old friends and then, as I said, she was able to stay home the rest of the month raising her three boys.

I did not get the same good deal. I either have to get my hair cut/colored every four weeks or eight weeks. And as every woman knows, six weeks is really the best timing, unless your hair grows very fast... which mine does not. So for many years now I have been getting my hair done when it doesn't actually need it. Several times I tried stretching it out for eight weeks but was not happy with the results. Last summer I needed my hair just perfect for my son's wedding and the timing was off. I fretted unnecessarily because I looked fine but any other person would have counted backwards from the wedding date and adjusted their appointments so they were coiffed a week before the wedding.

We almost broke up over that experience. My friends have been telling me to break up with her for years. Get someone local. Get someone cheaper. Get in control.

I just can't. I love her. She cuts and colors as well as anyone I know. She knows most of my secrets. She loves me back.

Today, when I see her, I am thinking of doing something different. Something that will in all likelihood make me even more dependent on her. It's ok. I have pretty much come to grips with the arrangement. I almost don't whine about it anymore.

Unless you count this as whining?

Snip snip,

Caroline

Cyber Friends

2010-06-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

There is a Blog I check every day, almost without fail. The author, while someone I do not know all that well in real life, lives quite familiar with me in Webville. I know when she is happy or pissy* (one of her favorite adjectives) or when she doesn't feel much like writing. Some of my favorite blogs are her lists of random things or thoughts. Something like ... Things Currently on My Kitchen Counter Top: vase of red roses, cold mug of morning tea, clipped bag of tortilla chips from Costco, rent check from the tenants of my mother's condo, calendar, bowl of moldy grapes, container of crunchy sugar cookies, made by yours truly, etc. Only when she makes a list, she numbers the items and you find yourself following eagerly down the column to see what is next. Its quite the catch.

She leads a very interesting life. I marvel at the plates she spins. Not the drive the kids to fourteen athletic practices, host dinner parties for hubby's clients, work-out at the gym 5X a week, kind of life but a life with a different meter. She rides a bike, keeps bees, writes poetry, appears to be a decent cook (cannot verify last descriptive phrase ... hint, hint). She fascinates me in that she lives life in a very different way than I choose to live mine. I stop myself from saying better. Its just different.

Someday I hope to spend a little more actual time in the same physical space with her. We frequent the same coffee shop but are rarely there at the same time. My life of late has been centered around triage. I am just about ready to write about it so stay tuned, get a mug of hot tea and maybe, depending on how close your tears run to the surface, a box of tissues.

Peace Out,
Caroline

Good Friday

2010-04-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

My all time favorite Bible story, hands down!

While the Israelites were wondering around in the wilderness, after their miraculous escape from Pharaoh with the parting of the Red Sea, God gave Moses instructions on how to build a temporary, moveable place of worship. The people used this tent of meeting or tabernacle as a place to offer sacrifices. This tabernacle was divided into sections with a heavy, ornate curtain separating a small section called the Holy of Holies. God dwelt within this holy place and only the High Priest was allowed access once a year into this section of the tabernacle. It is said that they tied a rope around the Priest in case he died inside. Someone could then pull him out, as absolutely no one else could enter no matter the circumstances.

1400 years later when King Herod built a temple, a permanent place of worship patterned off the tabernacle, the Holy of Holies was off limits to all but the High Priest. Again a curtain separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the Temple.

At the exact moment of Christ's death on the cross, the curtain in the Temple "unexplainably" rips from top to bottom, allowing passage into this Holy place ... a beautiful and staggering picture of our direct access to God thru the death of Jesus.

Matthew 27: 50-51 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split.

Hebrews 10:19-22 Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

How cool is that?

Caroline

Starting to flow

2010-03-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

The Blog Brain has been empty. Well, maybe not empty but plugged up. Kind of like your system after you have eaten too much Mexican food. All that cheese. Things are starting to move. Some shifting seems to be going on and a few rumblings. I can feel it.

Caroline is coming back soon.

Thin Places

2010-02-12T20:24:00.000-08:00

I rarely get called out for excessive movement. My18-year old daughter, on the other hand, had to keep from knee-jiggling, finger tapping and even sitting on her knees while she spent 90 days in a residential treatment facility for eating disorders. Those behaviors constitute subversive ways to exercise and needed to be eliminated in order to address other issues. But who is this girl who thinks so little of herself she inflicts pain, withholds and purges food and exposes herself to other damaging behaviors?

Agonizing, we sent her away for treatment. Leaving her in the desert, I realized somewhere between the third and fourth child, the magic parenting formula I sprinkled on all my children, had lost its potency. My love and my actions were not enough for her. Someone else needed to fill in the gap.

The miles apart proved therapeutic and as the weeks went by, I began to see her from a different perspective. In an effort to understand what was happening inside our family, I sought God with a new fervor. He met me whispering, “she is mine and she has her own unique story. I have plans to give her hope and a future.”

When this ache doubles me over I sense Him nearer. Instead of the pain building a wall between us, my despair acts like a surgical knife, slicing into my soul and putting virtually nothing between us. I don’t like this season of life but I’ll suffer the pain in order to experience the nearness of God and hear His whisperings.

Tough Month

2009-10-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I survived Family week so I guess I need to continue my normal life which consists of trying to blog on a more regular basis.

We look like we might have turned the corner. All of us. That's why I said "we". What we used to hear that sounded like complete desperation on the other end of the phone, now has a bit of lilt to her voice. Her ease of oppression transfers readily to us and we are all a bit happier.

Of course she is still in her bubble and while she has more freedom to make bad choices she has a huge safety net to catch her should she fall. When she comes home, that net will look completely different. Different landscape (no more coyotes and javelinas), different treatment team, different house rules, different friends. There is one constant ... her creator.

He was in the desert with her, I trust He will be back here when she meets friends at Steak N Shake or Chipotle. I hope He rides around in her car and walks with her in the halls at school. She is gonna need Him now more than ever.

I think I can do it alone but I am always proved wrong. She knows she can't do it alone. Its just a matter of who she leans on for help. We, as her parents, will certainly fail her but I'm kind of thinking He won't.

Coming down the final stretch,
Caroline

"Camping" in the desert

2009-09-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we leave for Family Week. A friend referred to it as "family camp". I laughed and said it will be more like "hell week". I am trying to think of a good analogy for something like this. You are facing something tough. You know you have to go through it, no real outs. You know things will be better (hopefully) when you come out the other side but you sure as heck don't want to go through the process. How about Labor and Delivery? Maybe thats a good comparison.

Most of this apprehension I am experiencing likely comes from fear of the unknown. I have no idea what will be thrown at us when our daughter gives her "life story". Sometimes ugly stuff comes out. In an odd sort of way, I hope some yucky stuff does surface. Real healing cannot occur with infected puss laying below the surface. Let's lance the wound and expose the sore to air and light.

Of course I doubt if its one particular thing. More like several injustices served to her during her life, some baring more weight than others. Whatever ... lets all just deal with it.

On a brighter note ... we get to spend time with good friends again. One is picking us up at the airport, taking us to a great Mexican restaurant and letting us hang during the day and the other is hosting us for our stay at the treatment center. Both couples are great hand holders during this difficult time.

Need to go pack. All prayers welcome for our time out west.

Gearing up,
Caroline

Doing her job

2009-09-20T06:23:00.000-07:00

I just found out my daughter, after leaving her treatment center, can have no direct contact with her therapist for 7 years. Took me aback at first but after pondering this, it makes perfect sense. She (the therapist) needs to be free to concentrate on all her new assignments and if she had "remnants" of all the past nagging at her time, she would likely become bogged down and unable to give full attention to the ones she is actually being paid to help. I picture her with post-it notes stuck all over her. Several dealing with her current clients is understandable; conference call with Sue and folks at 2:00, hike with Barb at 4:00, group session with Nancy at 1:00, etc. But add in all the past gals and stuff starts flying off and getting lost in the crush of time and emotional expenditures.

Keri (from 3 years ago) is now dating a loser, Megan (2007) dropped out of school, Rebecca (2008) got married, and on and on. There is the ability to compartmentalize and then there is overload. Even if she could respond to letters written from old clients (this is allowed) surely she would disappoint them in her responses. She would need some kind of spreadsheet to keep track of everyone.

Yes this is a good plan to protect her AND my daughter.

I am curious as to how many letters she does receive from past clients. I wonder are there any tugs on the heartstrings when she reads them. What if she ever runs into them in real life settings. Does she have to look away and hope their eyes don't meet or can she smile and give a hug and do a little small talk?

To become so totally immersed in another's life for two months and then to have to walk away seems somewhat akin to breaking up a love relationship. You learn all their secrets and with those secrets comes a bit of power and and intensified attachment. But you know the rift is coming and you can't really afford to disassociate as the ending draws near. You need to stay engaged right up until the last hug good bye.

I am thankful she is free to fully engage with my daughter. There is real work going on there and I am encouraged. God bless her for working in a job where her heart may get broken a tiny bit every time a client packs her suitcase to go home.

She is investing in something which will last forever ... people. If you've got the guts for it, always a good choice.

Caroline

Therapy

2009-09-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight we receive the second conference call with the therapist. I sit here experiencing a mixture of dread and excitement. I dread the inevitable confrontations of my mothering mistakes but feel excited for my daughter to begin to emerge from the shadows of her addictive behaviors. Its all quite bizarre, really. How does one feel good about doing something so unnatural.

If I am honest, I suppose I enjoy unnatural behaviors, too. In a perfect world, I would eat when hungry and stop when full. Its unnatural to eat for comfort. Common, but not natural. I am sure there are many many other things I do which fall into this particular behavior category.

So tonight I will listen with an open mind and a somewhat protected heart. I already have a hint of what we will begin to process. I will take my hits if its necessary for her healing but I won't relish the battering.

There already exists a lot of battering in life. I can't think of a single friend who isn't struggling with some sort of blow to the heart. Dying parents and siblings, abuse, alcoholism, wayward teens and on and on. Which begs the eternal question ... how could a good God let such things happen?

Lately, I find great solace in pondering this question. Suffering always leads to something else ... some sort of change. I have begun to examine the argument of God's involvement, backwards. What if He isn't involved at all in either the good or the bad? Makes for some interesting bedtime discussions.

But if He is the God I think He is, I want Him involved in my phone conversation tonight. Not in my head as much as in my heart. Her heart too would be nice, while I'm asking.

Caroline

Delivery

2009-08-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I sit in the airport but my heart is 2 hours away on a ranch in the desert. We dropped off our daughter to a treatment facility for her eating disorder. It will be a good thing in the long run but in this very moment, it hurts like hell.

Her struggles have been too long and too deep and so we felt compelled to take this drastic step in hopes of gaining our girl back. God blessed us with good friends near the facility and so we experienced lots of TLC as we went through the admission process. I love the friends God has given us to walk through life with. I know the rest of the small army stayed back in their own homes and prayed like crazy. We felt the prayer cover.

I say that and yet it is so hard to describe how the prayers of the people convert to an inexplicable sense of peace and love. I imagine some supernatural transaction happening in the cosmos. One prayer sent up, colliding with the mysterious power of God and then exploding into droplets of calm and comfort which then rain down upon the subjects of the prayer. Probably not even close.

I'll take it anyway I can get it.

God, hold us in your arms during this present storm. I can bare the bumps in the night if I know you are there.

Holding on,
Caroline

How do I feel?

2009-08-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

Like I am sending my daughter off to camp but wait, school has started and camps are over for the summer.
Like I am throwing her to wolves yet I know they are sheep just sounding like wolves at times.
Like she will be a million miles away and unreachable yet good friends live just minutes from where she will be.
Like she will never be the same again, but that is a good thing.
Like I will not be there to wipe the tears but tears for her will be healing.
Like even though this is part of "her story" I would wish for many many other things less painful.
Like I don't know what the house will feel like without her presence.
Like no one really understands how such a lovely young woman can feel so much pain regarding her life.
Like I have a million friends right now showing their support.
Like I can't imagine re-entry.
Like I can't wait to see how God will touch her life while she is gone.
Like my world is spinning slightly out of control.

Like I must have a faith like never before to survive this.

Caroline

BLOGS

2009-08-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

BLOGS are receiving some pretty good press these days. If you haven't seen Julie and Julia, run don't walk to the theater! Delightful. I love Bloggers who write with abandon. I want to write with abandon. I want to live life with abandon. Sounds good as on a headstone ... Here lies Caroline, She lived and loved with abandon... don't ya think? What would that look like?

One of my favorite bloggers makes lots of lists on her posts. I think I'll try it too.

Living life with abandon:
1. Dance in the moonlight ... naked.
2. Drink champagne every Sunday.
3. Make fresh squeezed OJ every morning.
4. Have real french croissants slathered with Irish butter and homemade strawberry jam with above beverage every morning.
5. Get pepperoni, ham AND bacon on my pizza.
6. Move to Europe.
7. Never wear pantyhose again ... ever!
8. Stay up reading till the cows come home.
9. Go a month without cooking.
10. Chase tornadoes.
11. Smoke every now and then.
13. Tell a few people they behave badly. A conversation similar to, "That was badly done, Emma, badly done, indeed."

The rest of the list might get me fired or killed so I will stop.

Caroline

Friends in all the right places

2009-08-12T13:01:00.000-07:00

After 20 years in one place, we may be looking at a move. I can't even believe it even as I type the words. 30 years ago I married an Air Force fighter pilot and expected to move all over the world for the rest of my life or at least until retirement. That changed when he sought a more stable career with the airlines. Ha! The joke is on us.

Back during our early years we moved every three years or so. I found myself getting restless at about the two and a half year mark. It was exciting to wonder where we would be sent and who my next close friend might be. I seemed to gather a few lifetime friends at every assigned base we passed through. Sometimes we were lucky enough to see them again but often the friendship was maintained through cards, letters and phone calls.

Everyone knew the moving routine so people made friendships quickly. None of this messing around, wondering if someone looked fun to get to know. It was "you snooze, you loose." when it came to building friendship circles. Your soul mate just might be moving in six months so you better get cracking on those lunch dates.

It is different where we live now. Many people stay in one place a little longer. Most of my good friends now have been here most of their married lives. We have watched each other's children grow up, gone to each other's 40th birthday parties, and spent endless summer nights on our decks, sipping wine and swatting mosquitos.

Who will invite me over to their decks if I move away? Bring me matzo ball soup when I am sick? Plan overnight girl trips? Help me clean and organize my house? Care enough about my kids to pray me through the tough times? What on earth will fill the hole in my heart if I have to leave these people?

No, nothing on earth,
Caroline

Caroline

Summer

2009-08-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

I had something interesting I was going to write about yesterday. I formed it in my head. Came just short of the punch line and was quite pleased with myself. Now, for the life of me, I can't remember a darn word of it. Not even the topic.

I hear people talk of this sort of thing...the memory loss, the misplaced keys, the missing TV remote.

Maybe I will remember but most likely its gone like the newness of summer once July 4th is over. I hate that. Memorial Day comes around and I get all excited about the summer ahead. June seems to creep and then boom, Fourth of July is upon us. The very next day I feel as if summer is almost over.

Maybe this has to do with band camp. This is our 13th and final year involved with band. Camp takes up the whole of August so, in fact, our summers are only two full months long. I miss the good old days where no school started before Labor Day. Summers were long and hot (we had the coolest July ever where I live) and I could go to the swimming pool and bake without the worry of dangerous rays.

I am a self-professed pool moocher. I obsess about swimming pools and water. Ironically, there is a swimming pool in the back yard of our neighbor directly behind us which never gets used. I considered asking if we bought the chemicals and offered to clean the pool whether they would mind a small ladder over the fence so I could swim at my leisure. This would never happen as our relationship with said neighbors is not of good standing.

They often complained of loud music playing when our teens were all home. Even I got in trouble for playing a loud CD while bouncing on the trampoline one day. Oh brother. People with such low tolerance for fun would never understand my pool obsession.

So I ride my scooter with no jacket when I am dying for a dip. Its like swimming with clothes on. The cool air rushing over your skin feels as close to a plunge in the pool without all the chlorine and wet towels.

Time to go for a ride,
Caroline

Gut wrencher

2009-08-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have been having some stomach problems of late. Without grossing out the reader, it has to do with painful gas and bloating. These pains also strike the memory nerve of when I was sick with my Ulcerative Colitis. Its called "flaring". I don't want to go back there again but I know it is probably just a matter of time.

My symptoms for that, much worse than the above mentioned pains, have been in remission for over 3 years. I am grateful for that time but I would very much like to extend that by several more years.

Does this sound greedy? I actually spent 5 days in the hospital last time. Who does that these days? My doctor, who I love, was on the verge of ordering surgery which I am still hoping to avoid that at all costs.

Colon surgery is a two-parter. You go in and remove some of the bad stuff. Receive a temporary colon fashioned from who-knows-what. Take some time to heal. And then they go back in and fashion something permanent of the same who-knows-what stuff.

I wouldn't have to worry too much about colon cancer from that point on, which is a plus but there are some nasty long lasting side-effects.

I'd use the expletive, "crap" right here but then you'd think I was trying to be funny.

Praying for the pain to go away,
Caroline

Facebook

2009-07-31T04:40:00.000-07:00

My friend wrote about Facebook today on her BLOG. She is "tired of the noise." I completely understand but I love the noise. She accurately described the dipping into different conversations and I love that too. I do not, however, like hearing the results of peoples quizzes and surveys. Its gotten ridiculous. "What kind of tomato are you most like in the morning before you have had your coffee?" I don't care about that.

I do care about hearing when friends have sick kids and they were up all night attending to them. I care when someone posts a prayer request for a soldier hit by an IED. Hearing how someone spends their day helps me get a glimpse into their life. The glimpses often lead to a better understanding of their nature. Sometimes its all fluff being shared but sometimes a hint of a deep hurt or an anxiety seeps thru. When I tell people I use Facebook for work, this is what I am referring to.

The trick lies in remembering such tidbits when I see the friend who stayed up all night or who anticipates a difficult doctor's appointment. There is knowing people's stuff and then there is knowing their stuff and using it to connect in a meaningful way. I love when someone remembers something about my ordinary life and then asks about it. It feels good to have someone care about me. Even if its sometimes a tiny bit feigned. I won't hold that against them.

Sometimes when I change my Facebook status I am calling out for a little help. Hoping for an extra thought or prayer sent my way. I get by with a little help from my friends, loving it when they help me lift my burdens.

Wondering what's going on in your life today?
Caroline

Back at it

2009-07-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

Productivity defined my very nature a couple of days ago. Admittedly I waste a lot of time but the other day, I was soaring thru tasks. Our big family wedding was last weekend and I was a little afraid it would take me a while to get back into the swing of things. But it didn't.

I work in my office every Tuesday. I love my job. I love the people I work with. Summer is a slower time for me but I still have things to do. Mostly my tasks have to do with the preparation for Fall, which is normally the busiest time of the year. But my most productive day fell the day after my normal work day.

On Wednesdays I meet a young gal who is new to the faith. We chat over coffee or lunch at a local restaurant and discuss whatever is happening in her life and mine. I look for ways to make spiritual applications but really, I just focus on knowing her heart and loving her. Its easy to do because she is a wonderful gal.

When I leave her, my heart is usually soaring. If you categorize things you do as tank-fillers or tank-drainers, time with her definitely fills my cup!

So too bad I can't mentor every day instead of vacuuming and dusting.

Peace out,
Caroline

Generational Patterns

2009-06-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

The other night a very good friend of mine shared her heart on life lessons learned from caring for aged parents. She is a graphic designer by trade so not only did she eloquently express her experiences verbally but supplied a fabulous color coordinated chart conveying her message. Instead of overwhelming me with details, she brought order and clarification to life's seasons. The message could have been guilt producing but it left me with a sense of purpose.

I do believe God is a God of order and patterns. My friend captured this truth well.

God speaks and brings order to the chaos. He means to do the same with my life. I continually seek for my "fit" in the pattern. Like placing an elusive jigsaw puzzle piece into the puzzle, finding my place in a day creates a sense of satisfaction. Not to suggest I move robotically through life looking for the exact situation I should show up for, but I try to continually sense where my presence can be used best.

If you take the right attitude, it can be like a treasure hunt. "I wonder what He has for me today?" For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.(Eph. 2:10)

So anyway, her talk helped with the questions of "what am I here for" and "what do I do next?"

Trying to figure it out,
Caroline

Looking for a dress

2009-06-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

My oldest son is getting married this summer. He reconnected with a wonderful girl from his college days. The courtship was short and sweet and now the wedding is a month away.

I decided to attempt some bonding time with my daughter who has been going through a rough time of late. Shopping with a teen brings a whole new atmosphere to the search for a wedding dress. MOG's are supposed to wear beige and fade into the background but I don't really want to do that. Not that I want to steal attention away from the bride ... I can't because she is lovely, but wearing beige is not in my color palette.

My fashion savvy teen found a cool dress. Its very non-traditional. So non-traditional that I fear the bride won't like the dress. I guess we will see.

Maybe I should have a back-up beige-like frock, waiting in the wings. The relationship navigation begins now.

Chic in Black,
Caroline

A plus B

2009-06-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

I cannot do whatever I like. There are laws in the universe, set in place by God to keep things in balance. Much as I'd like to live carefree, it won't happen. Can't happen. How arrogant of me to think life provides a canvas for selfish dreams. Shallow souls come from living without restraint.

I desire a deep and rich soul. That said, I will never make all the right decisions, say no to all the bad things, hold precious all things worthy. I will likely make the beautiful profane.

Yet, the consequences of my mistakes mold my soul. Life continues to verify, even if I do A and B, C may not follow. That was my original understanding, my early learning. A plus B will equal C. Not so.

Something else determines C.

Life is more about the doing of A and B without any expectation of C or D or ... any other outcome. This realization should reduce my stress levels but there is a comfort in thinking life has formulas. I am sad to say goodbye to the illusion of control.

Time to go do A and B.

Caroline

Can't

2009-05-06T02:59:00.000-07:00

I cannot BLOG right now. I can't think beyond last weekend. Most of what I thought and hoped was true regarding one of my children, turns out to be a lie.

Lying causes mistrust. A change of reference point. In some ways, nothing will ever be the same again.

The pain of watching the consequences of bad decisions is consuming me. Borrowing trouble has always been a skill of mine. Is God preparing me for even tougher times ahead or have I dipped way down into the cache of heartache prematurely. Time will tell. Trust must rebuild over time.

This can be a new beginning if the mindset is right. But without the renewing process of God no change is real.

Caroline

Little diddy 'bout ...

2009-04-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

I let some time slip by. I wrote several entries in my head but they never made it to the keyboard.

Saturday was spectacular. The weather was sunny and warm, almost too warm too soon for my liking. Landscapes are beginning to resonate green rather than gray. We gave one of our old junky cars to a friend of my son who badly needed wheels. Not much of a gift but he appeared grateful. But best of all, I drove for 2 hours to see old friends.

I feel young again just sharing memories over lunch. The organizer of the get together leads a very interesting life. All eyes and ears fell on her and the rest of the room disappeared when she recounted her life story. Its exciting to slip into the shoes of someone else's life for an afternoon.

There is something about being with people who know your history. Connecting Dick with Jane. Remembering who had a crush on who.

I loved that time in my life. I even loved Junior High. I peaked then, popularity wise. Cheerleader, Student Council, Girls Club President, invited to all the cool parties.

Its good to remember. Its good to feel like a 16 year-old again. Life, with so many opportunities. It can be full and rich now but the possibilities are fewer and many of the dreams are lost to the practicalities of middle age. I will never do such and such now. I will never have this or that.

Growing old gracefully means learning to live with the loss of dreams and yet not be afraid to keep dreaming.

Living the dream (at least some of them),
Caroline

Back

2009-04-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

Back from an emotionally draining Women's event 2 weeks ago.
Back from a devastating loss of a pet.
Back from college visits in the South.
Back from Prom dress shopping with my only daughter.
Back from visiting one of my favorite people on the planet.
Back from meeting my son's future in-laws.
Back from visiting the various event sites for the July wedding.
Back from seeing the separate life my oldest son has established for himself and his fiancee.

But best of all ... the Son of God is back from the grave.

Justified by the precious blood,

Caroline

Dogless

2009-04-04T05:15:00.000-07:00

Its hardest when I come back in the house. She used to be right at the door to greet us with a bounce and a wagging tale. But looking back, its been several months now that she has done that. Her hearing has failed so over the last year. Lately we have gotten all the way in the house and walked over to her pillow before she knew we were home.

Still it was the tail wag that made me feel loved. Animals can do that even without speech. Amazing. I am not quite feeling that same adoration from the cat yet.

I inherited my mother's cat when she passed. Her name is Callie. She is a calico ... surprise! Well she is beautiful but very skittish. We enter a room and instead of a special greeting like the dog, she turns and runs. There must have been some mistreatment before my mother got her. One time she disappeared for a couple of months. My mom thought she had lost her for good. But one of her condo friends saw a bedraggled Callie wandering among the units. She scooped her up and took her over to mom's. They both had a bit of difficulty deciphering if it was really her. She must have had one heck of a spree.

The cat did not appreciate becoming part of a dog household so she stays upstairs while the dog stayed below. Its been several years since Heide could climb the carpetless stairs so Callie felt quite safe up in the penthouse.

I wonder how long it will take her to realize the threat is gone. No more clicking of nails across the hardwood. No more barks at the UPS man. No more whining for popcorn. Those sounds are gone.

The whole house is yours now, Callie.

Caroline

Heide, may she rest in peace

2009-04-03T03:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had to put my 15 year old dog down. We got her as a puppy. We like small dogs so we picked the runt of a litter of small dogs. She was a great dog. Our first dog was Bart. We got him in the desert of Las Vegas back in the early 80's. He lived all over the world with us. We called him the "wonder puppy".

Heide was just Heide but she was wonderful. I am completely serious to say that just in the last month or so did she start to bark when she wanted out. Don't tell me you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Before, she would just come and stare up at you when she wanted something. It was a little frustrating but then you get used to the habits of your animals and learn to pattern your life around their quirks.

Speaking of going out, we would have to talk her into it on cold or rainy days. Almost push her out the door. But she would go and do her thing. Once during a very cold and snowy time she wouldn't go off the back deck to do business but that was an exception to her normal obedient behavior.

Our favorite trick was rolling over for a treat. She also did a mean "stay" when we slid her a treat across the floor. She would stare at us till we gave the word to snag the item.

I want to change my theology to include souls for animals. I want to see her again. Most pets have such personalities, surely they have a soul. Perhaps God created them with sinless souls. That way they don't need the redeeming process of Christ's blood. They are just a-ok just the way they are. That would be great. I would love to see my favorite animals in heaven.

Or maybe they are like the angels. These creatures abide in heaven and yet have no soul. Hmmm. Something to ponder.

I loved her and already miss her so much that my chest hurts.

And I thought my blisters were painful.

Caroline

blisters

2009-04-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

I have been wearing backless shoes since Saturday afternoon. I wore stupid shoes without stupid socks to my Tea and now I have blisters on both heels. Anything that touches them brings forth pain. When I sit still on the couch I can feel them throb.

Same kind of pain going on in my heart right now.

Peace out,
Caroline

Difficult Days

2009-04-01T03:30:00.000-07:00

I feel weighed down with sadness. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "life is good right now" or "things are feeling good". I only camp there momentarily because I know the winds will change direction soon. Life is full of chaos and disappointment. I feel like I have written this all before. Probably because I have.

I had a good week last week until I hit Friday morning. An event I was in charge of started to experience some minor complications and I began to stress. Said stress spilled into Saturday morning, the day of the event, and grew in intensity because of the careless words of a participant.

I had a problem right before the event when a woman approached me and accused me of being rude to her husband. I was totally thrown for a loop. I could not believe she was serious nor could I believe she was actually so burdened by her thoughts that she seemed unable to control her urge to "let me have it" the moment she saw me. And to do it minutes before an event I was in charge of and was slated to speak at. It was very disconcerting. Fortunately I found a friend and she prayed with me privately to put the ordeal behind me. After a bit of a struggle I was able to compartmentalize and move on. I kind of convinced myself that her accusation was more in jest than of the serious nature I originally received it.

Until she again approached me on Sunday morning to apologize and explain her comments. This again was disturbing in that this confirmed that she did indeed have an axe to grind with me and the comments the day before were not said in jest. But hey ... at least she was apologizing. So I waited for a call as she had promised and received an email later in the day instead. Again, an apology ... good. But the ending implied only sorrow for the timing of her comments not that she felt they might be out of line or possibly based on some misconceptions of an event relayed to her by her spouse. There were no clarifying questions being asked. No effort to understand what might have really taken place. Just an ending comment implying that she would have to accept the slight to her husband and move on.

Oh how I wish there could have been the benefit of the doubt given. How often do we hear of something and let our emotions cloud the reality of what really happened. Why do we often choose to think badly of someone instead of catching ourselves, reminding ourselves of what we know of that person and then comparing the two "realities" and concluding I know so-and-so is not really like that so it is likely the whole event did not happen as it was related to me?

My other frustration lies with the life and times of my teenage daughter.

I received a scathing letter telling me how much she hates me and my inability to parent well has all but ruined her life. Normally we parents nod and wink at these accusations but this time around its a bit more serious in nature.

I am trying to sort this all out. Broken friendships. Broken trust with a daughter.

Broken hearted,
Caroline

Posting and Real Estate

2009-03-17T05:10:00.000-07:00

Try as I might, I can't seem to do this on a consistent basis. I fear its a direct reflection of my lack of discipline in other areas of my life. My regular blogging friends encourage me but alas, I fall short.

I let things get in the way. I get emotionally highjacked. This week I faced a grave disappointment. For over two years I have been trying to sell my mother's condo. She passed away the summer of 2006. For the first year I simply was not ready to completely clear it out and shut the door on those memories. I had a sign in the window but didn't give a thought to the sporadic inquiry calls I received. As time wore on, I became increasingly more anxious to be rid of this financial obligation.

There were several close calls but last week was the closest of all. A friend of my mother's visited the property 3 times with friends and family. We had a verbal agreement over the phone with absolutely no hesitation detected during our numerous phone conversations. When my husband received the email stating she had changed her mind, you could have blown me over with a feather. We were about an hour away from driving to town to begin the final stages of clearing.

When something seems secure in the palm of your hand and then disappears without warning, it requires an adjustment. I was moving in one direction and then spun off balance, only to land on the floor in a dizzying heap. Its the picking myself up off the floor that I am getting better at. My girls help me with that.

They remind me to not stay mired in despair. Find my tank-fillers and dwell there rather than in unfortunate circumstances.

I am very sad about the sale. Not convinced its totally over. I refuse to let it shape my outlook for very long.

I want out of the real estate business but I guess thats not to be for now.

Caroline

mentors

2009-03-08T05:28:00.000-07:00

I love the concept of mentoring. Teach what you know. For me, its how I try to navigate life. I had my first real mentors when we lived in Spain. Besides good life modeling, they taught me how to teach myself, how to become a self-feeder.

So I was fortunate. I had very heady, cool people teaching me how to ratchet up my relationship with God. I still have contact with most of those people. In fact, last night we had a birthday dinner for my hubby with one of the couples most influential in our lives. They are some of our favorite people on the planet.

During conversation we pondered what had become of the man who invested in all our lives, one of the men who taught our mentors how to mentor. I jokingly said we should google him to see if we could track him down.

Unfortunately I remembered to do that when I got home. Along with some of his book reviews for Amazon products was the listing of him as a sexual predator. l felt sick. I don't really know how to process this information. I will tell my other friends what I found but part of me wants to pretend this is a dream.

People make mistakes. Sometimes the court makes mistakes. Upon further digging, I see he admitted to the crimes. He is serving two back-to-back 25-year sentences and a lifetime of parole should he ever get out.

I am profoundly sad for the inevitable pain this has caused for all those involved. I still love the man for the way he invested in my life. I find it curious that someone so steeped in an intense relationship with God should veer so off track.

But wait a minute, there was this guy ... a king actually, named David, who lived a long time ago. I think he did some pretty heinous things and yet he was referred to as a man after God's own heart. Even more curious.

Grace and mercy, curiouser still.

Grateful,
Caroline

sick

2009-03-03T12:43:00.000-08:00

I drink guilt-free Orange Freezes when I am sick. Its one of the few perks of feeling lousy. They are cold and refreshing and when made with orange juice, I count them as one of my fruit food groups for the day. Well, that's a stretch but hey ... I'm sick.

When I was little my mom made me weak hot tea and saltine crackers spread with the thinnest layer of butter. She'd bring a plate of them to my bed, a couple spread with grape jelly as well but always some plain with just butter. If the sickness lasted more than a day, I would get a magazine as well. Seventeen or Glamour.

I miss my mom. No one takes care of you quite like a mother. No matter how wonderful your significant other, there's nothing like a mother. (cute, huh?)

Now that I am a mother its a pain to be sick. I stare at dirty dishes and laundry piled on the floor and wonder who will do them. Oh wait, its me. Layers of dust thicken and the milk container has only an inch left in the bottom, just enough for morning tea.

The bed beckons but the house around me screams, "hey I could use a little attention over here." Such a dilemma. If I don't do a little cleaning I won't know if my sneeze is from chest congestion or because of the overwhelming dirty house.

These are the times I pray I never get cancer. I know I couldn't make it through the treatments. Feeling out of sorts with a virus and bladder infection are one thing but to have ugly cancer cells invading my body and chemo waging war with my immune system is unfathomable to me. I admire cancer survivors. I don't need to walk a mile in their shoes to hold them in high esteem.

When I was at my worst four years ago with ulcerative colitis, I got a taste of serious illness. Sitting in the bathroom going from both ends with severe cramping and bleeding scared the crap out of me. ( knew the pun was coming but could not stop it)

Now this bout of sickness is child's play compared to all that but I want the lethargic cloud looming over me to disperse. I don't even feel like reading ... yikes!

Hacking, Caroline

cracked pots and other worn things

2009-03-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

As I unloaded the dishwasher today, I noticed a small chip in the lid of my favorite teapot. My initial reaction was one of disappointment but quickly I realized there was no threat to the functionality of the pot so the chip is purely a cosmetic issue. A similar thing happened with my Harrods tea towel. It sports a couple of holes from well use.

Saving things probably comes from being an only child. If I keep it in a cupboard it is safe and protected in case I might need it someday. But these two items show a little progress on my part. I am actually using some of the things I love. If I don't get out my favorite things now I will look like a fool should I die young. In fact, that thought motivates me to enjoy them now.

What if I die tomorrow? If I lived in light of that possibility, I would probably do things differently. Live life to the fullest. Grab life with gusto. Savor each moment. Live as if there is no tomorrow. I hear these mantras but don't truly embrace them.

This requires more pondering. Not pulling out all the stops, depleting myself of all material and emotional resources and yet living my life with a little more verve.

Caroline

someone hates me ... well, several actually

2009-02-27T04:22:00.000-08:00

Last night I ran into a girl who hates me. I saw her out of the corner of my eye at the high school play and later stole a few glances. As predicted from past experience, she was no where to be seen when the lights came on. She wouldn't want the risk of actually having to make contact should our exit paths funnel us anywhere near one another.

Seven years ago I made the wrong person mad at me. She (I'll call her Carla) was a charismatic leader in the schools (yes we are talking PTA moms here) who raised a small army against me, the girl at the play being one of her loyal foot soldiers. It feels really crappy to have people intensely dislike you. I can deal with a mild aversion or two. I am not arrogant enough to think everyone thinks I hung the moon but most of the people in that lynch mob wanted to see me beaten down, publicly humiliated and impeached from my PTA job.

At the time of the turmoil, I went to the girl at the play and tried to explain my side of the story. At first she seemed willing to listen given that we went to the same church. I told her how important it was to have reconciliation between the two of us. In the end, her desire for friendship and affirmation from Carla won out. By the way, I tried to reconcile with Carla as well but that didn't go so well either.

For years I looked for her in the halls of church, hoping for a change of heart and a second chance. I periodically checked her mailbox to make sure her family still attended but she eventually left. She never came to a single social event which would undoubtedly have caused her to run into me. I spend a lot of time at church. Not because I am trying to win points with God, I work there so I attend most extra events. It all made me feel sick inside.

In fact it makes me feel sick to write about it, dredging up those painful memories and causing me to wonder about all the things I should have done differently. I hate the fact that she smugly thinks she knows a dark evil side of me that others don't know. I hate that she never gave me the benefit of the doubt and chose to side with a very disturbing individual. I have been called many things but never disturbing.

The only thing I can do is try harder the next time. I certainly didn't do everything right back then but I wasn't the villain they portrayed me to be. So for now I live in a community where a very few people still turn and whisper when I walk by. Its only a few but for me, its a few too many.

love me,

Caroline

The Oscars

2009-02-23T03:05:00.000-08:00

Wanting to fit in with the audience, I wore my tiara last night while I watched the academy awards. Usually I feel like I am from another planet when I watch the celebs float down the red carpet and into their seats. There exists a social juxtaposition as my life is so completely different from theirs and yet because of their media presence, I can feel like their best friend.

So wearing my glittering headpiece made me feel like I had received an invitation but chose to watch from home because of other obligations.

I loved the show. Of course with Hugh Jackman dancing about and flashing his gorgeous smile all night, who could resist being captured by the glamour. Last night's 81'st Academy Award show brought back elegance and refinement sadly missing from much of today's entertainment world. Oh, the fashion tries to keep these qualities in tact but the glib actions of the presenters and the impudent political speeches of some of the winners seems to tug the ambience of the event further downward each year.

This year was different. Fewer speeches. No embarrassing jokes that I can recall. The musical performances showed a throw back to the old days where class, not shock value was the mark the producers were aiming for. My favorite thing was how they presented the major awards to the best's and the supporting's. Bringing back past winners, giving them personal, well written glowing remarks to direct to each of the nominees brought a new level of pageantry to the evening. Nostalgia always touches my heart and gives me goose bumps.

I hope they have already penned the contract with Hugh for next year.

Caroline

Plan B

2009-02-19T05:21:00.000-08:00

I get jazzed about teaching. I just started a new role which isn't traditional teaching. Its more like mentoring with an emphasis on teaching. I meet with a young girl who just found out Jesus is a little more relational than her Our Father prayers from the past led her to believe.

She is excited to learn about God and why the heck he even cares about the things in our daily lives. Most puzzling to her and I is the fact that when he looks down on us from his mansion in the sky he doesn't see all the crap we have done, all the bad stuff I have thought over the years. If he is all knowing and omnipresent, he must know of it yet because of Jesus, has chosen to put on special 3-D glasses that hide it all when he views us.

Seems too good to be true. I guess since he created us for relationship and we screwed it up, Jesus was his "plan B". Of course if he is all knowing, he knew we would screw it up so Jesus is probably "plan A", disguised as "plan B" in order to draw attention to the mercy and grace factor.

This stuff sometimes makes my brain hurt.

Peace out, Caroline

La La Land

2009-02-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

Ever since I moved to this city I have longed to live in a certain suburb. Its small,has beautifully landscaped yards and looks like it was dropped in its entirety directly from Great Britain. I will never live there. I walk there, have friends I visit there, my favorite movie house is there along with one of my favorite restaurants but alas, I will never have that zip code on my home address.

My husband doesn't understand the dream of a cool house in a cool neighborhood. He is way to practical to think about living somewhere just for the ambience. He's a good man though so I can't be mad because he doesn't share all my dreams.

One place we probably both muse about is life on the ocean. I imagine living on the water, feeling the ocean breeze daily, smelling fish fumes whenever the wind changes and watching glorious storms roll over the water towards us. Now that is a dream I am holding on to. It will probably never happen for more than a week or two at a time but I will still hold out hope that someday my street name will contain some form of the words water or shell.

Walk in the park

2009-02-12T03:51:00.000-08:00

I have a personal trainer. Not in the traditional sense but have one just the same. A friend of mine runs marathons. She is one of those high energy tiny girls who you know has never fought the battle of the bulge a single day of her life. Great God-given genes and always looks great in them!

So out of the goodness of her heart she offered to meet me once a week and walk, not run, with me for an hour or so. The first day out it was 16 stinkin degrees but we went anyway. Weeks 2 and 3 were snow catastrophes so I stayed home and did the elliptical machine. But week 4 we were right back out there.3 miles! For an out of shape overweight middle ager like me, thats pretty good.

My fitness partner claims this is a mutual enterprise. She graciously claims I will stimulate her brain on a myriad of topics. I am flattered and I am going with it because I need all the help I can to get myself moving.

The pain of it all

2009-02-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

So when someone close to you is in tremendous pain or angst you, unfortunately, can't help but be absorbed into it too. At least that is the way my relationships play out. I am often found musing why God created us to be relational and yet knowing it sucks big time when things are in a scary place. He knows He made us this way and I know it but it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes I cry out and challenge His reasoning for giving us all these damned emotions. Unfortunately I am too emotional at the time to hear the answer.

Today at work I shared some of my personal struggles. I felt like I was in the spotlight and all my friends around me were squinting from the bright light beating down on me. The light made them just as uncomfortable as it did me but in a completely different way. Focussing on other's troubles can temporarily cause you to forget your own but later the new level of transparency changes things.

A scab is hard and crusty for a reason. It protects. Pick it off and the wound seeps its puss all over. Opening up to others can feel like newly exposed flesh wounds. I know it has benefits but the pain can seem unbearable.

Caroline

Encouragement

2009-02-09T07:27:00.000-08:00

I have a very cool friend named Liz. She is a writer, biker, wildlife enthusiast and many more things I have yet to discover. She has a beautifully written BLOG of her own which I just now happened upon. Writer's like good writing. Writer's also are great encouragers to other writer's. None of this ... if she writes a break-out novel, no one will ever read me again attitude ... exists among the writers I know. I love that about the writing world.

So Liz says, get back on your Blog and write! So I will.

I love Donald Miller

2008-11-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just finished reading Don's BLOG posts on the election. I love that man. I don't understand everything he thinks but then what human does truly comprehend another? Some day I would love to share a cup of coffee with him and pick his brain on a variety of issues. His boldness and his ability to articulate his faith fascinate me.

Here is something else I like about Don; he is teachable. I have watched him grow,mature,adjust,correct,be even bolder than before and more often than not, teach me something new about myself.

When people put thoughts to print, you feel you know them. I don't pretend to be in Don's circle of friends. We have met but thats about the extent of it. But I have a forever connection with him. His words have transformed my life.

The privilege and the power to affect change, may I always be respectful of both.

Peace out,
Caroline

p.s. donaldmillerwords.com

The Difference Between Values and Change: Article from Local Newspaper

2008-10-30T05:40:00.000-07:00

I wrote this in April. Seems like ages ago. The topic resurfaces every time I see a political add. I was happy they printed it and now I will post it as the election draws near.

The Difference Between Values and Change

Change. It starts with C and ends with E, with the word "hang" in the middle.

I am hanging, hanging on to dying expectations. Change sounds intriguing, but I am not convinced of the ideologies of some of the candidates touting it.

What's a nice, middle-class conservative with strong religious ties to the evangelical world doing looking over the fence at the "other" party? The quest for something remarkable implores me to sneak behind my pastor's back and listen to the opposing party's conversation.

My old party, although nicely aligned with my belief system on paper, presently leaves me unfulfilled. I find myself enticed, eerily similar to the scene in a famous Garden thousands of years ago.

"Don't eat of this tree," cries the small voice in my head. "Think of the principles you hold near and dear," whispers my conscience.

Everywhere I see the word "change" trumpeted. But what makes that word more fashionable this year than the word "values" four years ago? Do my personal politics need the same remedy as my wardrobe, a visit from the TLC network's Stacy and Clinton (not the one running for the White House)?

Which has changed, tastes or tolerance? From freedom of speech to erotica during prime time TV, the old precepts no longer prevail. Since the rules of conduct differ from street corner to street corner, how will a country consisting of 300 million people ever agree on acceptable levels of debt, let alone the right to kill a fetus?

If I use the ability to affect change as my litmus test this November, which candidate will produce the real deal and which will employ the proverbial smoke and mirrors?

Currently my vote hangs somewhere between hope and fear. Hope that the country will embrace values over change and fear that no one knows the difference.

Peace,
Caroline

Politics?

2008-08-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

Every now and then you get to be part of something big and cool. Probably things like that pass me by often and I miss them but this time I went with my gut instinct and said "yes".

Months ago I met a guy at my coffee shop who decided to leave his cushy life as a successful business man and run for congress. Running as an Independent almost never works but he is determined to effect change upon our nation, especially in the field of economics where he is more than qualified to serve.

Last night at his meet and greet coffee with the public, CNN showed up. Something about him has aroused interest from people in very high places. I hope people continue to become inquisitive about this man's run for office and that history will indeed be made by his successful election in November.

May God bless his efforts as he seeks to bring some order to the nation.

Caroline

Nostalgia

2008-08-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

I sit at my computer, choking back tears as I remember the Augusts of my childhood. My mother bought me a back-to-school edition of Seventeen magazine every August so I could pour over the pages of new styles and dream of being the best-dressed girl at LHS.

On certain late summer days the air has just the right briskness to evoke memories of my favorite season … fall. I remember daydreaming of Friday night football games, building the float for Homecoming and my beloved County Fair, all good things about to appear on the calendar. Some days it feels like yesterday. I can smell the scents of my backyard woods and feel the smoothness of the pages of the magazine.

As Labor Day approached, my mother, always proper and organized, would take stock of my current clothing and then plan our yearly trek to Columbus where the downtown Lazarus department store held everything a girl could possibly want. Rising early on the big day, I dressed carefully for the task of trying on clothes. Shoes with socks were a must in order to try on the latest Bass loafers and a half-slip helped when scratchy wool skirts were part of the try-on pile.

We planned our day around lunch in mother’s favorite Lazarus restaurant. There were two choices if I recall correctly, chicken salad in the Chintz room or celery dressing and mashed potatoes in the Café. Or maybe it was the other way around but I do remember one of those restaurants had the book section directly outside the dining area. While she waited in line for lunch, I would stare at the bookshelves.

I loved books from a very early age and never even realized it till recently. After lunch I checked for the latest Nancy Drew or Laura Ingalls Wilder and then slipped over to the candy counter to buy long red licorice ropes before returning to the clothing department.

After a long tiring day we would cross the street to the annex where the car sat in the attached parking garage. Right before entering the elevator for the car we would make a pass through the gourmet food section, perusing for some nibble or dish to take home for dinner that evening. I believe I can trace my foodie tendencies back to this very location.

Gone are the days I dream over teen magazines and sadly, gone is the downtown department store. But worse still, my mother is no longer here to share these memories or my everyday nothingness. She built some wonderful things into my life. I wonder if my own daughter will say the same about me someday?

Still striving for a little style,
Caroline

Back from Vacation

2008-07-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

Thirteen days in Italy with some of my favorite people on the planet. Life is good.

Romans, fountains, cobbled streets, pasta, skinny dogs, walled cities, fine wine, tasteless bread, zipping scooters, gelato, perfect pizza, historic art, icons, exhaust fumes, vineyards, rolling hills, steep inclines, a funicular, good friends, more pasta, new friends, yummy cheese, Nuvi, missed telephone calls, no water pressure, 100 fountains in one place, open markets, aching calf muscles, porcheta sandwiches, the Moeller boys, even more pasta, beautiful children, David, trains, business class, rooftop clotheslines, tiny nonas, reindeer/rootbeer, piazzas, duomos, Catholic everything, cafes, long scary car rides, orange markers, ancient ruins, San Ubaldo, hats, a new favorite country.

When can we go again?

Ciao, Caroline

Does She Not Know?

2008-06-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

Once and a while we, angels get to peer into the hearts of humans. It may seem a pleasant experience but in reality often it proves painful. Today I watched one of my favorites prepare for vacation. Her schedule full almost till the final hours before departure, I wondered where the pleasure lies in such a trip.

So many details. And so many worries and frustrations getting ready to leave "home". Finally she took a moment to lie down and rest. As I studied her I saw her chest tight with anxiety, stomach churning and a heartbeat running faster than a horse at the Kentucky Derby.

If possible, I would have cried watching her live in her moments of fear. Does she not know how her Father in Heaven superintends her life? Is she unfamiliar with the quality of peace, which comes only from above? If He knows every hair on her head why would she worry about parking in Florence? Or driving in Rome?

Rest dear one and hold on to the hands that created you. View this trip as a blessing, a gift from the Provider.

Written to Caroline from a heavenly perspective.

Dancing Under the Stars

2008-06-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I witnessed how the "other half" lives.

The invitation said, "cocktail attire, no jeans please." Wow, a real grown-up party. Funny thing was, the party was a conglomeration of several significant family events which included children. I guess the party's formal stance proved good training ground for young adults. Something different than the grab-the-chips-out-of-the-bag normal parties they are used to attending. I watched the younger ones all night and other than possibly sneaking a beer or two, they behaved quite nicely. Even if they weren't allowed to wear jeans.

A bevy of valet parkers whisked away our car. Good thing I didn't ride the scooter! Throughout the entire night, servers floated around the party with hot hors d'oeuvres. The party didn't even start till 8:00 p.m. so besides the myriad of snacks presented elegantly on trays, the main fare consisted of mini burgers and mini wieners. Perfect!

In fact, the whole night was perfect. The band (twelve members) played dance tunes all night and me, being a disco queen of the '70's, couldn't have been happier.

Probably the nicest thing about the whole evening is the fact that the invitation was completely unexpected. We don't normally "hang" with these people but somehow we showed up on their radar screen when it came time to invite friends. I am happy they consider us important in their lives.

As I always say, its all about people. Love God, Love people and your whole life will seem like a party!

Peace out,
Caroline

The Visit

2008-05-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, I am a loser writer girl. Promising to be faithful and then getting bogged down in the everyday. Should have kept my mouth shut. Sorry to any readers and sorry to myself for the lack of discipline.

That said …

I do have some thoughts after visiting a new church this week. I went with a good friend to hear a man give his testimony about dying and heaven. More than a good sermon and wonderful testimony, I came away with a unique feeling regarding the church visit itself.

I sat there and enjoyed myself. No worries about something going wrong or getting done during the service. No thoughts as to whether or not I had a job to do or something to sign up for. I felt like I was on vacation from many of my spiritual obligations. I worshipped from the passenger seat rather than bearing any of the responsibilities of the driver. I kept wondering to myself why this felt so good.

Then it hit me. Probably there are a whole slew of people who attend their regular churches week in and week out who feel the way I did this morning. Perhaps they feel free and easy because they remain disconnected from the body of believers at their own church. They don’t belong to any sub-groups or serve anywhere so they may freely pass, each week, through the doors with little on their minds or shoulders regarding the running of a church.

Like most things in life, this presents a two-edged sword. Low investment levels eventually yield to lower satisfaction. To fully enjoy deep satisfaction with something I belong to, some personal commitment and work must be done on my part.

The body analogy implies living working components that belong to one another. So upon reflection of my time at the new church, I enjoyed the outward benefits of the worship experience, felt the freedom to remain aloof from actually serving but in the end, realized I do not belong to that fellowship.

Caroline

The Sin of Procrastination

2008-04-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

A little strong for the title? Well, if I truly feel called to write and truly feel led to communicate via BLOGs then I need to take it a bit more seriously. My commitment to this BLOG looks a lot like my commitment to my exercise program. I am not a disciplined person. Thats the irony of working towards a committed life to Christ. It's all about discipline. Stop gossiping. Don't have another glass of wine if my nose is already numb. Sit down and actually open the Bible. Wow, for someone who has known the Lord as long as I have, I feel like such an amateur. Of, course if I ever get to feeling like a pro then there will be something wrong with that attitude as well.

I think, if I remember correctly, The apostle Paul struggled with this. So anyway, on to better days. More structure where it counts and more love where its lacking. My best obedient days are when I do read God's word, move my muscles, don't eat 5 desserts and remember to floss.

Now I am adding BLOG to the list.

See you soon,
Caroline

Cashing in on Friendships

2008-02-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am learning an important lesson. Friendships, a highly valued commodity in my life require a lot of work. Thats not really the lesson I am learning, I already knew that, really. On a scale of one to ten, I often rank around a nine or so regarding the time and energy I put into them. Huge investment, huge pay-off, right? Generally speaking the answer is yes. But when the answer is no, something unattractive emerges from my character. I feel indignant and used.

Although I would like to point the finger at the seemingly ungrateful friends, the problem lies within myself. I forgot an important tenet from the Bible, unconditional love.

Did I honestly invest in others because I loved them or did I devote myself so that someday I could make my own needed withdraw from the friendship account? I fear it is the latter. The natural give and take in a relationship doesn't always work.At least, not in the timeframe which might seem reasonable. Sometimes the giving exceeds the taking. As long as my boundaries are in check, I should be able to withstand the times where I am lending and not experiencing an equal return. The boundaries refer to keeping myself healthy as opposed to giving till bankrupt. After all, as I said, am I giving out of a pure and loving heart or am I giving because I want something in return?

So, I need to use this filter the next time I am involved in friendship. Do I act out of love and concern or do I have my eye on myself? Granted, we all have needs but I learned along time ago ... keep forgetting it but nevertheless learned it anyway ... only one can truly meet my needs. It was probably by design humans try but fail in sustaining one another. Otherwise why would we need the Creator?

Caroline

p.s the above post, much like the post of 12/02/07 remind me, relationships continue to vex my world. But right behind the glorification of God, I believe they are the main reason for our existence.

Catching Up.

2008-02-10T17:03:00.000-08:00

I have been bad about posting. If I get on the Box to examine why, my answer comes up with ... too distracted with other stuff, mainly that walking program I mentioned earlier. When you are in the midst of doing something you don't like to do, I believe it requires more energy to accomplish the undesirable task.

So the walking thing ... I may have turned a tiny corner. I have diligently done my at home assignments. I feel good about that. The first walk I did with the group since the initial outing, I thought I might not be able to finish. Technically it was 4.8 miles but when you count the long walk to the car and back, it was at least 5 miles. Somehow, after finishing that day, I still felt like a loser. I walked at the back of the pack along with some nice coaches. Only one other person was behind me. I know I shouldn't compare but really, it is hard not to feel discouraged when you look around and see everyone else ahead of you.

During the following week, I again did all home assignments and seemed to pick up my pace a bit ... literally!

I am getting to the turning point. Last Wed. the group task was a walk in the park. Literally not figuratively! Round and round a pond was the scheduled route but when my group arrived it had begun to sleet. I went two laps and then the coaches decided to call it quits. Yes! I was cheering inside but I should have known better. My diehard walking friends not only didn't want to quit, they wanted to venture off the scheduled task and do their own walk up some large hill and back.

I honestly didn't know what to do. The group had dwindled to around 6 people and I knew I could never keep up with my friends. It was growing dark and I did not know my way around the park. Seemingly out of nowhere appeared a mother and son team. She was walking about my pace and said she would be happy to stay back with me. Wow! What a gift. She was a cop to boot so I felt nice and secure.

The turning the corner part came when I not only walked up the long hill and back but kept a good pace and didn't feel horrible at the end of it. For the very first time I felt that I just might be able to do this.

This week has had scheduling problems combined with bad weather but I am not giving up.

I'll keep you posted. Get it?

Later, Caroline

Wow

2008-01-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

I just saw Lauren Winner! Oh …my … gosh. She was amazing. I am a big fan. I haven't read "Real Sex" but I read "Girl Meets God" and "Mudhouse Sabbath" and I highly recommend both of them. Unfortunately for her there was a very small group but I get the feeling that kind of thing doesn’t really matter to her. She didn’t even bring any books to sell. Don’t tell her publisher!

I was such a nerd and sat in the front row and scribbled down just about every word out of her mouth. I can’t wait to transcribe the notes and savor the words she used. I really could have used a dictionary as she spoke. She has her PhD and she teaches at Duke for heaven’s sake. Looking back at our brief conversation, I am surprised I got anything intelligent out of my mouth at all, comparatively speaking that is.

Her talk was motivating in more than one aspect. If writing is ever going to become something more than a flirtation for me, I need to get busy. I may never hold a PhD or teach at a major university but I do hang pretty tight with our God. At least I have that in common with Ms. Winner.

Caroline

A New Year, A New Beginning

2008-01-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

I tried really hard not to cry. I failed. At least I was on the other side of the track and most of the other walkers were strides ahead so only one person saw my tears.

I will just come right out and say that I hate this. I am totally bearing the consequences for being out of shape for 25 years. Walking program. CPAP machine at night. Creaking knees.

I am not a finisher. I already want to quit. But I have until the first weekend in May to get in shape to walk the local marathon. I'll keep you posted.

I am so discouraged I don't even want to write anymore today.

Caroline

p.s. Emma is doing the walking thing too, only she is in way better shape than I am.

Seeing My Name in Print

2007-12-16T13:15:00.000-08:00

I set my sights high. I wrote an article on my Christmas thoughts and sent it off to the New York Times. My first Op/Ed article ever. Their instructions explain a delayed response means they are not interested. So when several days passed and no email arrived from the Times, I quickly retooled my article and sent it locally.

Again, days passed and I was just about to post it here. But lo and behold, an email appeared in my In Box asking for my tagline for the end of the article. No mention of whether or not they were really going to print it but I sent in a brief descriptive sentence. Two days later, there it was. What a thrill to see it in print.

For those who missed it:

Keep God's name, message part of Christmas
BY CAROLINE
It's time to haul out my boxes of decorations. In the corner of the attic, underneath the garland and tree lights, sits one box marked "God."
But before I open it, I plan on consulting the media, because I didn't get the word yet on whether God classifies as taboo or trendy this year.
Is it OK to say his name during seasonal plays or school parties? How about yelling his name in traffic?
My friends rely on my knowledge of proper decorum, so I don't want to let them down.
Why even give a thought to God this season? I'm just a mother, wife, beach lover, scooter owner, coffee shop inhabitant, tea drinker, '70s disco queen, past PTA president, pizza snob and ... a theologian?
But if it is indeed hip to speak God's name this year, I want to name-drop in the finest fashion. I want to talk about where he has been seen lately, but sometimes I have trouble seeing him at all.
Maybe what I need is that fabled star to appear again. The one with a tail as big as a kite! I have a hunch that star, famous for directing the wise men, was meant to point all of us to the same place - a place that gives meaning to the insignificant, respect to the untouchables, healing to the sick, succor to the battered, hope to the defeated, but most of all, love all around.
Maybe if we all loved better we wouldn't have so much trouble seeing him. I believe I will throw caution to the wind by speaking of him this season, trendy or not.
In fact, I will even put him on my Christmas list along with all my other wishes.
Merry Christmas!
Caroline is a free-lance writer living in XXXXX

A quandary

2007-12-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

I thought I understood some of the basic rules of friendship. Some of them sound good on paper but when fleshed out, prove impossible to employ. Here is one we all tend to embrace, “It is better to give than to receive.” Giving is good. But what if the giving has left you emotionally bankrupt with the promise of a return, foreclosed on?

When do love, support and sacrifice flip to the dark side and translate into feeling used? Is it disingenuous to want reciprocation reflecting your own desires?

In my life, constant tension exists between strong relationships and co-dependency. Just when I think my boundaries are strong and healthy, I experience a break in the fence. I then find myself wandering around in a pasture not intended for me and unable to identify the insulating knobs of the electric fence before getting zapped.

My gut response to the pain involves moving somewhere cloistered. If you don’t engage then you won’t get hurt, right? I am not Catholic, though.

But I know that life was meant for relationships. It’s just that the angst involved in maintaining them sometimes dissuades me from the continuation of good ones.

The voice in my head chides pull back you silly girl. What were you thinking getting so close to others? I don’t think I like the question or the alternative.

Caroline

Thankful for...

2007-11-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Friendships seem to be the current theme in my life. A special lunch with old church friends a week ago, Thanksgiving dinner with some of our favorite military friends from the past and just yesterday, while most of America was swishing credit cards at the register, I got to see half of the fab five from college.

Months ago we got our act together and went on vacation. First time we had all been together for many years. (Novel idea for good friends to get away to a nice place and enjoy great food, wine and conversation for an entire weekend.) Why didn't one of us think of it sooner? Kids, jobs, distance, money...

So, still savoring a taste of the familiar jokes and one-liners only the five of us understand, a smaller group of us attempted to join up for a brief visit over the holiday weekend. Meeting at a popular mall on the busiest shopping day of the year had its obvious pitfalls but we were not to be deterred. We enjoyed some great food in a very busy restaurant, oblivious to the bustle and noise surrounding us.

There is nothing like spending time with old friends. Friends who walked you through the formative years of sleeping through classes, cramming for finals, drinking too much beer Uptown and regularly ordering pizza and subs after consuming a full meal only hours prior. Good thing we all had to walk miles and miles to classes back then or we might not be here today to tell about it.

Now that we remember how much we all like one another, I am hoping our reunions will be a regular thing.

I love those girls (and the two who were missing) more than they will ever know.

Thankfully,
Caroline

Like a warm blanket on a chilly day

2007-11-19T06:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I spent time with old friends. As we sat around another's table for soup and conversation, I reflected on the ties that brought us all together. Many years ago, we moved to the Midwest after my husband's 10-year stint in the military. Knowing few people in our new city, we hungered to put down roots and make good friends. Both were achieved when we found a church.

Church means different things to different people. Sometimes it is a place to visit on special occasions. Often the church conjures negative thoughts, especially if one has been subject to shouted death threats from the pulpit from proverbial turn-or-burn sermons. Mostly, I believe the church is where people go to look for God, believing they will walk away with some sort of good feeling, motivation to live well or sense of awe. Sadly, many leave empty or frustrated.

In Old Testament times, God had specific dwelling places on Earth. Then, in an inexplicable act, He kind of unleashed Himself after the death of Christ and no longer restricts Himself to specific "holy places" but lives inside the souls of His people. No longer confined to a structure, experiencing the holy presence of God occurs in many many places. So what is the purpose of the church?

The church building contains the things His people need to do His work. Things like books, copiers, crayons, bread, learning tools and perhaps a baptistery. The true church consists of His people … people who agree that God is something worth pursuing both in understanding and in relationship. Although no one agreeing on every thought or belief, the common thread of the true church should be the pursuit of love. Getting our minds around God’s love for us so we can love other’s better.

Lunch with my friends consisted of much more than soup. The laughter heard that day shared a common thread supernaturally woven through the lives of each of the people gathered around the table … hearts, which hold a dwelling place of the Almighty.

Caroline

What's a girl to do?

2007-11-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

About a year and a half ago, I went to the greatest youth conference on the planet. A week with Francis Chan and Chris Tomlin ... it really doesn't get a whole lot better than that. Oh, hanging with the kids was pretty special too, but anyway, I was walking home from a rally with my buddy and we started talking about one of the personal challenges we give each other from time to time which is the question, “are you on the Truth Box about such and such?" I got an image in my head to promote this concept to the masses (via t-shirts) and off we went. Well, actually off I went for a while pursuing business leads, t-shirt companies, Tax ID numbers ... all the stuff you do to begin a small business.

Sometime between lunches with mentors and visits to the print shop, it occurred to me, people wouldn’t necessarily get the message of Richie on the Box by simply purchasing a t-shirt. Although not difficult or elaborate in concept, the Truth Box might need more explanation than just the tag. It was then that I got the idea to write a book elaborating on the concepts of the Truth Box, which embody the pursuit of: self-truth, personal growth and deeper relationships. Aha! I felt I found the divine direction of this prodding to put the Box “out there.”

Writing a book is probably something most people consider sometime in their life. I believe I have heard most friends and family say at one time or another, either the statement, “I could write a book about that” or “I am thinking of writing a book.” The latter phrase holds the more serious tenor but either implies some interest in expressing oneself through the written word. This new idea to write sends me to new mentors and different kinds of shops than my earlier exploration of Small Business 101.

I attend a fabulous writing conference. Right up there with the youth conference experience. I join writing groups and critique groups. Begin to build my library of books about writing books. Spend hours researching agents and competing books. Write and re-write the same sentence eight times till it makes sense and have banished the “be” verb. Being a novice, I think I am ready to be checked out by the pros so I send off a proposal to a couple of agents. Let me just say, email rejections hurt just as much as snail mail. But truthfully, the rejections were kind and actually gave me clarity on what to fix to make my book marketable.

Which brings me to today. Here is what I have to fix: the whole thing! Well, to be honest, I have 16,000 words down. I was envisioning a small book. I rationalized people like small books. People are very busy and don’t have time to read large books. Small books fit into purses and pockets and look nice on cute little shelves. Small books have it all going on. So this agent with tons of experience says he can’t sell a small book. Shoot for 45-55,000 words, he says. That means tripling my book’s word count.

I wrote a simple (but very clever) book on being truthful with self. I don’t think I can honestly expand my book to three times its current size and still feel good about the content. So … I say to myself, maybe you weren’t meant to write a book in the first place. You started with a concept. You want to promote said concept and who says a book is really necessary? Maybe I need to follow through with the original t-shirt online business idea? I honestly don’t know what to do. I am left to ponder this dilemma. Pray and Ponder.

Peace Out,
Caroline

p.s. Where is Emma?

Happy Birthday to me ...

2007-11-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today is the day! The BIG 5-0. It would be disingenuous of me to pretend I have been dreading this milestone. For quite a while I have referred to myself as “almost 50” so to go and pretend to be sad over this would just be deceitful. Definitely not good Truth Box behavior. Speaking of which, I wonder why I have been borrowing years instead of subtracting them from my real age? Getting on the Box, I am forced to revisit that longing for recognition. Most people 50 and above automatically wear the mantle of mature and wise. Something in me desires the title of Sage and the respect from others. Now, I am pretty sure most people admire these qualities but there exists, deep inside of me a vacuum larger than most when it comes to this need.

My parent’s were supportive throughout my life but in their effort to want the best for me, they would identify ways to do things one-step better. If I finally got my house clean, they would focus on my weight. If I had success in my volunteer arena, they would suggest I should spend more time at home. I processed these exhortations as criticism, never feeling as if I could do enough to please or impress.

To be fair, this veiled disproval came mostly from my mother. She is gone now and unable to defend her actions. Pondering as I write this, I wish I had focused on her desire for me to succeed instead of dwelling on the feeling of failure. She did the classic thing when talking to her peers, referring to me as a shining star but in private conversation with me, I needed to shape up.

The take-away from this is one word … affirmation. I love it; crave it sometimes, so I need to lavish it upon others. I don’t want my kids to always misinterpret my encouragement to do better as criticism. There is a place for that but only if balanced by praise. Sometimes it would have been nice to feel the glow of admiration instead of heat to dance faster as I kept house and parented my four children.

I am sure they both meant well. I want to take well-meaning behavior a step further. I want the next 30 years, if I have 30 left, to live intentionally…to praise the good and dwell on the positive. My children aren’t my only legacy. I count friends in this category as well. If everyone close to me knew for sure how I truly felt about him or her, I would feel successful.

Of course, in the end, it is not me who needs to feel the success for I am here to please Him.

Hebrews 12:1 and Mathew 25:21

The Birthday Girl,
Caroline

Prozac vs.good friends or "Help Me Rhonda, Help Help Me..."

2007-10-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

Many days I am feeling depressed. I experience a burst of activity and then two hours later, I crash and burn, ending up on my bed under the down comforter even when the temperature is 90 degrees outside. My friends are encouraging me to call my doctor. It's on my to-do list but something keeps me from dialing the number.

I spent time with a friend today who I don't see very often. Something connected between the two of us the first few times together and she truly feels like a soul mate. She can see things in me that others don't or at least don't bother to call out. Today after much catching up on family and work, she looked at me and said something to the effect of, “Now are you really going to tell me what is going on in your life?” There is no sneaking anything by this girl. She used the adjective “distant” to describe what she was sensing in me. When questioned, she knew it was not a distance between the two of us, just a vacancy of some sort going on within my soul.

I discussed the possibility of depression and she reminded me it had only been a year since losing my mom. She suggested that this is the first year I will truly experience her absence owing to the fact, last year was spent in a daze. Perhaps I have now come out of the stupor of the true first year and now will live life in the reality of her death. There is some wisdom in her words.

Somehow I felt a little lighter considering this possibility. I am thinking I will postpone that phone call another week and see if I can’t see the sadness of Mom’s passing in my low moments. Perhaps I will end up with a little help from a little medicine but for now, I will continue to sort it out on my own.

Thanks Girlfriend!

Caroline

My People

2007-10-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night rides are rocking my world. I am just starting this venture but when I ride out, I am not disappointed. This past Wednesday, the ride coincided with a visit to the QSL Bike night Harley give-away. A bit intimidating, but what the heck.

The majority of the scooter riders live 30 miles from me so often, small groups of us will meet in familiar locations, ride to join other small groups until we are all together in one big pack. Such was the case this week. I met my friend at CP and she led us on a 40- minute ride clear across town to meet the larger group. I rode past landmarks I had only heard about my last 18 years living in this city. It was beautiful. This glorious ride covered the full economic spectrum of neighborhoods.

After joining the larger group, we headed back toward my side of town. The ultimate destination point was less than 15 minutes from my house but going directly there defeats the purpose of the RIDE. Besides, I was not too excited about riding in, alone on my scooter under the wary stares of the Harley riders.

So the big biker people were nice for the most part. But there is a tendency for some snobbery when it comes to engine size. I suppose it is a microcosm of the world today. For most people, bigger is better. We are not the best at embracing those even slightly different than ourselves. I am as guilty as the next but aware of the problem and trying to do something about this shortcoming. (The message of my favorite book, Blue Like Jazz)

As we left the parking lot, some drunken biker yelled a very crude comment to my riding partner. It was a shame to end the night that way. I think it will be a while before I refer to all bikers as "My People" again. See … I am talking out of both sides of my mouth and showing snobbery in reverse. I want to love and embrace the big guys but only if they aren’t mean to me. That’s a pretty sissy approach to brotherly love. I obviously don’t have this whole love thing figured out but as I said, I am working on it.

Peace Out, Caroline

Book Club night at the movies

2007-10-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

A while back, I read this great book, The Jane Austen Book Club. There is currently a movie out made from the book playing at my favorite local theater so I sent an email to the Book Club suggesting we all go and see it ... since we read the book and all.

Well I got very little response and in the end only one of the other members went with me to see the movie. So, Jackie and I went to the movie and as we walked back to the car, she ever so gently suggested that perhaps the lack of response for the movie trip had something to do with us, as a book club, never actually reading the book - The Jane Austen Book Club. Surely not, I insisted. I am sure we read this book. During the movie, I annoyingly kept whispering to her, "do you remember this part from the book and that part, yada... yada....' She kept answering no, I don't remember and I don't think I read the book.

So I come in the house after she drops me off and check the list. It's a long list,mind you. Our club has been meeting 13 years.

I am a dork, that's all I am going to say.

Well, no, one more comment. My book club should really read this book sometime. It is great and the movie is great as well. :)

Caroline

Tank Filling

2007-10-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

I am learning an important lesson. Most of the time I consider myself relationally gifted and yet I am just now learning some remedial relationship truths. When you feel emotionally depleted, figure out which things fill you back up and then begin to do them. Just like an engine needs fuel, my emotional tank needs things which give me succor.

Pride often keeps me from filling my tank. I believe I can run on empty or by the sheer depth of my caring, when in fact, I need filled just like anyone else. Lack of intentionality keeps my tank on low as well. For me, getting filled takes deep thought and perseverance to find quality sustenance. Knowing myself is key. Allowing others to know me is essential.

Hopefully, my writing this will serve as a reminder to pay more attention to me when I am feeling low. Surrounding myself with good and thoughtful people who know me well, and who will help process my emptiness, supplies me with a filled tank.

Caroline

Shifting sands

2007-10-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

Vacation on the Panhandle was wonderful. I have never placed Fla. in my top places to live but something about this region feels different than the rest of the Sunshine State. Whenever I go near mass bodies of salt water, save Utah, I have three priorities; eat raw oysters, read as many books as possible and try to avoid 2nd degree sunburn. I believe I was successful on all three accounts.

Double red flags flew on the beach the first full day there. Not good for swimming, unless you want to get arrested. The next day was a single red flag. Still not great but no jail time involved with taking a dip. Finally the water calmed near the end of the week and the color of the flag should have flown purple ... sea pests! Jellyfish were everywhere so in a move entirely out of character for me, I hit the pool harder than the surf.

The seafood was fabulous. One night fru fru fish dishes were the fare and the next night, raw oysters in a biker bar. Doesn't get a lot better than that in my book.

As for the reading, I made a tiny dent in my stack.

I would write more but I am tired from re-entry so I will have to expound at a later date.

Love the white sand and turquoise sea! Thank you Joy and Dennis!

Caroline

Shut up and ride!

2007-09-06T03:43:00.000-07:00

Oh ... my ... gosh! Riding on the scooter across the river at night staring at the lighted city … breathtaking. My first ride with the scooter club and it couldn't have been more intoxicating. I have to admit, I was a very tentative participant. I caved under the peer pressure of my Vespa buddy and my husband. They said, “Go, go …it will be great.” I went and it was.

My buddy thought she would valiantly lead us to our destination but at the last minute changed her mind so we sped to a club rendezvous point and rode with a smaller pack through the streets of the big city, up and down hills and across the river. Arriving in one piece and with cheeks already flushed from the pure buzz of the ride, we joined a much larger group at a pretty famous watering hole. As a first timer, it was a bit of a meet and greet as everyone drank and munched on some fine German food. Still hesitant about the group ride, I was perfectly content to call it a night after that but about an hour later we mounted up, jumped the curb and sped off into the night.

Someone takes the lead, holds traffic at lights and intersections when possible and watches out for newbie’s like me. Actually, a lot of people watched out for newbie’s like me. Everyone couldn’t have been nicer. Confidence exuded from me as we maneuvered through the winding streets of the small river town and then all of a sudden, we hit a small highway and the leaders (who I was sticking close to by design) took off like a bat out of you know where! My bravado drained as the average speed of the group went from 35 to 50 in less than a minute.

But I did it! I made it through the entire ride. First time with the club, first time riding downtown, first time riding at night and hopefully, first of many exhilarating rides to come. So, shut up and ride!

Caroline

Book lust

2007-09-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am having a significant birthday in a few months. Surprisingly, after all these years, I am making new discoveries about myself. Not just trying new things and finding out I can do them (like riding a motorcycle) but unearthing truths of my childhood that were buried or blended into insignificance by my lack of attention.

Let me start at the launch of my realization that I have always loved books. The trail backward goes something like this. A couple of years ago I read a fabulous new book, "Blue Like Jazz." Loved it so much I wrote a rather lengthy study guide to go along with the book. Used the guide with a group of ladies I had taught before. As a thank you for teaching the class, they gave me a gift certificate to Powell's, a famous bookstore mentioned and frequented often by the author of "Blue Like Jazz." Browsing the website to spend my gift, I came across a lovely little book about loving books called "The Yellow-Lighted Bookshop." Just my cup of tea. As the author mused about his early fascination with books I found myself resonating with his admissions.

He loved ordering books from "The Weekly Reader." Me too! His anecdotes took me right back to 5th grade and my love of Beverly Cleary and the excitement when I saw the book order on a shelf waiting to be distributed at the end of the day. He also talked about library visits. My aunt worked in the big orange sandstone city building downtown where the library was located. She was on the bottom floor and the library was on the top. Visits there yielded two rewards. Stopping by to see her usually meant her slipping me coke money and the trek up the worn marble steps to the top usually provided a new book or author to savor.

Another of his memories told of spending time in major department stores in the book section. All of a sudden I was downtown Columbus at the Lazarus store browsing the latest Nancy Drew or Laura Ingalls Wilder on the third floor, I believe it was. My mother and I would linger there while we waited for a table at her favorite store café.

I wasn't the typical gal with a book incessantly in my hands and in love with English class but I loved books every bit as those stereotypical bookworms.

For me, the love of books has translated into writing them. A natural progression, maybe but certainly not for all book lovers … loving the craft and now learning the craft. Getting older might not be so bad after all!

Caroline

One Year Aniversary

2007-07-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

Today is the day. One year ago today I lost one of the most significant people in my life, my Mom. She came to stay with us to get stronger and instead, she progresively got weaker. 9 weeks after her arrival to our home, she died. Who would have guessed the Dr., after looking at an image of her heart would say, I've never seen one with numbers so low (indicating extreme weakness.) He then pronounced her terminal which turned out to be magic words in the eyes of the Hospice community.They stepped in to fill the gap of bathing, some other necessities and a regular break for me.

Last night as I drifted to sleep, I relived that last morning with my Mom. I arose at 7:00 to find her in the exact same position as I had left her after midnight, the night before. Not a good sign. She looked at me with wide eyes as if to say, pay attention, the time is near. Her guppie breaths told me I best not leave her side so I moved the chair from one side of the hospital bed to the other so I could stay close to her and memorize her last expressions. As I look back, something was screaming at me, don't leave the room ... she is dying before your eyes ... but at the same time, had I been asked to note her last day on earth, I am not sure I would have said this day. In other words, there was a disconnect.

I held her hand. I told her what we would do with some of the money she was leaving us. This, of course, had always been important to her ... our plans for our home. It was one of her favorite topics of conversation. She wanted us to do a new walkway so I told her we would do this and a few other things like use the money to pay for college for our remaining three children. I am hoping that pronouncement made her happy.

After my money speech, I prayed and then sang a song Chris Tomlin sings, Your Grace is Enough. Sometime during that last interlude, she slipped away to eternity. Now face to face with the Creator, she was no longer my critic, counselor or my closest friend.

I miss her daily. I recall her wisdom hourly. I rejoice for her with every breath.

Your Grace is Enough. Your Grace is Enough. Your Grace is Enough for Me!

Caroline

I see the Hand

2007-06-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

I would title this, “I am a dork", but I think I have already used that one. I feel like the Israelites pacing restlessly at the foot of the mountain while Moses is getting some pretty important face time with God. When will I ever learn?

Backing up, I went to a life changing writer's conference at the beginning of the month. I will never be the same. I went alone. I am a novice. Those two things alone would have scared some but I persevered and stuck it out there and had the time of my life. Amazing people, challenging teaching and motivating speakers made my time priceless.

One component of a good conference is time with some of the power people of the book industry. You stand in line and fight for a time slot so you can embarrass yourself by stammering and stuttering and ineptly explaining whatever piece you brought to sell. A claim of further interest is the goal but second place might be a referral by someone with some clout. I really didn't get either but the one card I did get with some nice contact info on it is now lost. Thus, the "I'm a dork" comment.

So days of berating myself has gotten me nowhere except to the realization that if God wants my book published, it is not all going to hinge on a silly little business card. Oh, God is way bigger than that. Let's see how He does this! I rejoice in the results even before they have been revealed.

Caroline

Feeling a twinge

2007-06-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

In the next several months I anticipate a wave of new people exploring my website and reading my blog. Sometimes I enjoy reading past entries to remind myself how I am evolving. Recently I reread my New Year's encounters and saw that although I was on the Truth Box regarding my personal drinking, perhaps I should explain my stance on this subject.

First let me say that I believe the Bible is clear about drinking to excess. It is never o.k. to do this. I believe the Bible does not condemn all drinking but it definitely gives guidelines for behavior in this and many other areas. Perhaps my account of the bourbon drinking left the impression that due to my sadness of the holiday season, I was driven to drink. If that was anyone's take away, I feel badly.

I have alcoholism in my family. I am well aware of the dangers of regularly imbibing. I also am aware that leaders are called to behave far above the norm. I take these facts very seriously. I said in the post that I did not over indulge and I meant it. Perhaps discussing controversial things can put one's reputation in danger. Many would feel silence is the best plan when it comes to dipping into the gray areas (from man's perspective) of God's Word.

But when you strive to live your life as an open book in front of others and then you write a book about standing on the Truth Box, you have to trust God for grace from the critics and mercy from the offended when you tell the truth!

Caroline

I've been remiss

2007-05-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

Here are some bullets:
* writing is time consuming and the upcoming conference is looming. I have fears regarding both.
* I spent the best weekend in Amelia Is. with my college buds. Pj, Jules, Marsh and Gerbs ... you are the best!
* Mother's day week was worse than the day itself. It felt similar to Christmas week. The build-up worse than the actual day.
* I love my Vespa. I ride it to work when the weather is nice and to Kroger and to the ball park and to .......
* My friend Sharon is finishing her book and it is facinating to watch the process.
* I am not exercising on my eliptical. I don't have a good excuse except that the tv broke where the bike is located.
* I began what I call my PDP group and it is one of those life changing experiences. I believe it is my 4th accountability group!
* I can tell it is summer because the house is full of boys again. We are already out of Mac N Cheese.
* Bible study is over for the year. We read two great books; Captivating and Mudhouse Sabbath. I highly suggest both of them.
* We have a new walkway. My Mom would be thrilled. It has turned out lovely and a much needed improvement to the home.
* I will begin to mourn the pool next week. The official start of summer will remind me that the Moore's haven is no longer.
* Another successful After Prom occured last night. It was good to help instead of leading. I love the people and the cause.
* My Bible reading is in Job at the moment. Similar tough times for my friend Emma. But, God is always good!

I think those are some of the highlights.

Love, Caroline

I got Skyline on my shirt today!

2007-03-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

O.K., I will attempt to be humble here, but I am really really good at eating a 3-way without sauce spots landing on my shirt. I have been consuming this delicacy for over 15 years now and I can walk out of the restaurant without mishap, 95 times out of 100. Today was one of those days where, obviously, something in my being was amiss. It is cause for me to pause and examine how things are going in my life.

My husband reminds me that life is good right now. He is right. I need to learn to focus on the positive and try and forget the small insignificant stuff. I think someone wrote a book about that concept. I just have to face the fact that I am in a transitional stage of my life right now. And with change, often comes unsettled feelings. I guess you could label it insecurities. I have been discovering that I am not as secure as I thought I was.

Recently, I did some Personal Development evaluations and realized that these insecurities are way more prevalent in my life than I thought they were. Now I just have to figure out how to battle them in my mind when they begin to rear their ugly heads. I know where my self-esteem is supposed to be rooted but I often do not live my life with that truth in mind. I am speaking of course about my relationship with Jesus Christ. No other opinion really matters. I would not want to blow through life not caring about others but really I need to care most about Jesus and what He thinks of my daily adventures and relationships.

Maybe I need to wear that reminder on my chest instead of a 3-way.

Caroline

How old am I?

2007-03-20T05:27:00.000-07:00

When it comes to the subject of friendships, I am feeling like I am twelve years old again. Well, maybe Junior High would be a more accurate picture. You know that sinking feeling when you know your best friend is upset with you but you are not quite sure what to do about it? That is the emotion I am battling at the present. A while back I was writing about a dying friendship and now I am waxing about a friendship going through changes. I know that this one is not ready for the morgue but it feels scary when things are not smooth and happy.

These friendship trials are actually telling me something about myself. I am way more insecure than I thought I was. Either that or I have a major codependency going on with some of my girlfriends. I'd prefer the former analysis. I guess I have to get on the Box ... you know, that thing I wrote a book about. If I stand on the box I know that I haven't really done anything wrong but maybe I could stand to be more sensitive to the emotional needs of my friends. I learned a long time ago that people are eventually going to disappoint you based on the fact that no one is perfect. That unfortunately includes myself.

So all this rambling to say ... worry less about the little things, try to serve your friends in a selfless way, own what you need to own and give one another grace.

Caroline

200cc's

2007-03-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

My brother in law is a Harley rider. He goes on long weekend rides with his riding buddies and leaves my sister at home by the pool with a good book (which is fine with her, by the way.) He incorporates his faith with his riding, as he is involved with a ministry called Biker Chaplains, or something very close to that. They have a website and he goes to training for his title of chaplaincy and life is good for him as he rides into the sunset on beautiful Dallas evenings.

I am expressing my own "need for speed" and apparently several other things by purchasing a scooter. It is something I have always wanted. I believe my fascination with them first began sometime during my initial trip to Europe. You cannot ride them on the Autobahn but they are seen just about everywhere else over there. My girlfriend, Joy, has a very cool green one and she and I are about to take our friendship to a new level. We will become scooter buddies.

The other night I spent an unbelievable amount of time searching the web for biker paraphernalia. Several hours and hundreds of dollars later, I am now the owner of brand new Harley boots, a cool riding jacket, gloves and a lemon yellow helmet. It will be almost like Christmastime, waiting for the UPS truck in the next week or two.

My husband says this is all part of the grieving process. I suspect he is just being nice so that he can ride the scooter too. Tomorrow, Lord willing, I take the test to get my temps. Let's see ... when riding into a curve, the four steps for better control are: slow, look, press and roll. Look out world, here I come!

Caroline

Chaos

2007-03-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

Security in this life is such an illusion...the only security I have comes from knowing I'm in God's hands at all times. My problem is believing this when life looks so uncertain. More than anything, I want to have peace in knowing that no matter how things appear, God is with me. He's in control, He's my security, He's my hope.
As of today, I'm hanging on with all my might to God and His plans for me: The sale of our home; Where the kids and I will live when the house sells; What my new career will be; How I'll make enough income to live simply; When my divorce will be final.
I know there's no better place for me than in God's hand and I'm so thankful I have a chance to have a new and better life - the best life that He has for me!

Grabbing onto courage,
Emma

Saying goodbye to an old friend

2007-03-05T06:13:00.000-08:00

Friendships come and go but when one seems to die on the vine, it is particularly sad and disappointing. I know the rules about reconciling and difficult confrontations but sometimes the rules don't seem to apply. My relationship with a friend that has lasted over a decade has run amuck. For whatever reason, she is upset with me and refuses to tell me why. LIke I said, I know the rules and I, in most cases, would go to her and say "what's up" but this situation is different. I believe the onnus is on her. She seems unwilling to let me know what is bothering her and based on past experience, I believe she is full of anger and untrue accusations that will spew out at me if I am the one to approach her. I am feeling that I need to wait until she is ready for the conversation rather than prematurely opening the wound.

I have asked myself what if she never wants to clear the air and get back on track? I honestly do not know the answer. In many ways, this friendship has been fraught with difficulties. That doesn't mean it is unworthy of saving, it just means that maybe this is the natural break that should have come about a while ago. I have always prided myself on my ability to be a good friend. As an only child, I worked hard at my friendships because at the end of the day, I went home to a quiet house with only parents to fill the loneliness. My friends all had siblings and they could afford lots of fights and misunderstandings because living together in a family meant you would eventually work them out. At least when you were a child, that is what it meant.

In the days to come, I will be watchful to see if there is a crack in the icy front that presents itself to me when I am around my friend. In public settings she smiles and appears polite but when you know a person well, you know when there is tension or an unsettledness between the two of you. My responsibility is to remain open to what God would have me do in this situation. I don't want to be closed to His will even if it might involve pain and more tears.

Caroline

Blogging

2007-02-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

My dear friend has been reminding me to blog...My confession is that I am not good about keeping up writing about my thoughts, my life, whatever. There's so much going on right now; things that I never thought I would experience, which is totally naive, I know. Why did I think I would be immune from life changing events? I'm getting a divorce. There, I said it, that word I never thought would be about me. I'm dealing with attorneys, banks, debts, assets, realtors and trying to make life "normal" for my two children still at home.
Amidst all of this, God has shown me so many cool things about Him and what He's doing for me. Everyday He's been providing hope for me in a way that I can really see! It's been such a privilege, and I'm in awe of what He's doing in my life.
I can't promise I'll be more consistent about blogging, but I know I'll have some interesting things to share as these weeks go by. Having hope re-enter my life is a whole new feeling...

Working on bravery,
emma

People come into your life for a reason

2007-02-01T13:46:00.000-08:00

When I was in the 7th grade, I met a boy at camp who became my pen pal for a brief period of time. It came to a crashing halt when I wrote a stupid nonsensical letter in response to one of his normal letters. Years later I began to use this story as an application of how NOT to communicate with God. Although God accepts us for who we are, I believe He prefers it when we have coherent two sided conversations filled with His ideas as well as our own.

So the story was about a boy who lived in another town, who I would never see again and who did not have a huge role in the relationship stories of my life, but ...

One day, some 30 years later, while glancing at a staff listing of a local church, I see the same name as my camp pen pal. I write to the email listed and find out it is indeed my old friend. This man works in the same field as I work and in a setting less than 15 minutes from where I work. Neither of us is living and working in the same town that we grew up in so it is a bit odd that we ended up so close in proximity. We subsequently exchange a few emails and catch up on one another's lives.

So I am thinking ... hhhmmm. What is the point in all of this? It is not like we will likely beconme close friends given the different sexes but I am wondering if there is a reason for this reaquaintance. That is the very cool thing about God, the fact that He intertwines peoples lives to accomplish His desires.

I am anxiously awaiting how He is planning on using this friendship. I can't even imagine.

Peace out,
Caroline

scooter shopping

2007-01-26T21:59:00.000-08:00

Today I spent several hours with one of my favorite people on the earth. She is one of the coolest people I know and I delude myself into thinking that just by being friends with her, it makes me cool as well.

We went scooter shopping. I have long time wished for a scooter and today she challenged me with putting my money where my mouth is. It was fun and scarry at the same time. It is hard to really imagine myself on one of these things but I am going to do it!

She gave me great advice and now I will proceed with the steps to become a licensed driver. It is not a harley like my brother-in-law but, hey, you have to start somewhere.

I haven't decided on the make but maybe I will continue my research before I make that decision. The really important thing is what color will it be available in. I need to find one in my color palate so that my clothes won't clash.

Pretty soon, "I'm a dot" will have a whole new meaning!

Peace out,
Caroline

These times, they are a changin ...

2007-01-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

For the last 6 months, I have shed tears, almost daily, for the loss of my Mom. In the last two days my tears have come from a different place in my heart. I believe it is a fact of life that we are all afraid of change. Even when God admonishes us otherwise, we tend to go into a place of anxiousness whenever there is change afoot.

Last night I was dining with my husband having a fabulous time when inexplicably I found myself weeping. It happened again several hours later as I lay in bed. Even now, the tears are pushing up and ready to spill as I type this entry. When you are comfortable in the role you play in a particular relationship and that relationship goes through a major change, you know that your role must change as well.

These are the things I am certain about: I love my friend. I want the very best for her. I want her daily heartache to go away. I want her life to be filled with abundant bliss to make up for the tragedy she has experienced thus far. I want to be her friend in the good times as I have already been one in the bad times. My friend will not need me in the same way as she has done in the past.

She has said many times that I have saved her life. She has done the same for me. This significant thing, this incredible investment will no longer be the defining characteristic of the relationship. I am not naive to think that with new found happiness comes perfect peace and the complete loss of the need of succor but what if that was the sustaining piece of the friendship?

When it comes to figuring out my new role with my friend, I guess I will just have to take it one day at a time.

Caroline

A New Year

2007-01-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

2007 has arrived. A new year with no clear picture of how it's going to be. The beginning of the year will be taken up by legal issues with my divorce pending. Ugh! I can't believe I just wrote that; I never thought I would use the word "divorce" when talking about my life...I have so many questions when thinking about what this year will hold. What am I going to be doing? Where am I going to be living? How am I going to be able to get all the things done that need to be done? Where will I find the strength?
Staying in the moment and trusting God for better days in 2007 are what I'm determined to do for myself and my kids. I'm so scared, yet looking forward to what God will show me this month and all the following months this year.
I'm holding on.
Emma

Post Christmas

2007-01-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

It is New Year's Day and I have successfully made it through a major holiday season without Mom. It was hard and I cried more than I thought I would. In the end, it feels good to have it over with. I noticed that I just kind of floated through the day on Christmas. When I tried to recall certain gifts from certain people, I just couldn't pull the answers from my brain. I guess it was a coping mechanism. I was half hearted in a lot of areas. I am lucky I got the things done that I did.

Last night was a great New Year's Eve. Hubby, Emma and I went to Emma's sister's house for good bourbon and good conversation. Believe me, the bourbon was absolutely necessary. I used it in college when I had killer cramps and I use it occasionally when I am drinking socially. "Using it" is actually the honest term. Although I was not over indulging, I would have not got behind the wheel of a car. There is just something about that drink. It makes me feel at home.

Today we took down the tree and I feel that it was a bit rushed. It seemed as if the goal was just to get through one more aspect of the holiday season. Usually, I like to linger with the tree. As long as it is healthy and keeping it's needles, I have been known to keep the tree up well into January. Not this year. There was an absence of lingering in all realms of the season. Just get through it seemed to be the motto.

I am feeling good as I look to the new year. I have a new piece of exercise equipment that I will begin to use tomorrow ... no, really ... tomorrow! I am thinking that this is going to be a good year in many many respects.

I will close with a New Year's resolution. Besides the 50 by 50, I resolve to read more books, be more sensitive to the needs of others and get to know God in new ways.

Peace out!
C Drew