I am learning an important lesson. Friendships, a highly valued commodity in my life require a lot of work. Thats not really the lesson I am learning, I already knew that, really. On a scale of one to ten, I often rank around a nine or so regarding the time and energy I put into them. Huge investment, huge pay-off, right? Generally speaking the answer is yes. But when the answer is no, something unattractive emerges from my character. I feel indignant and used.

Although I would like to point the finger at the seemingly ungrateful friends, the problem lies within myself. I forgot an important tenet from the Bible, unconditional love.

Did I honestly invest in others because I loved them or did I devote myself so that someday I could make my own needed withdraw from the friendship account? I fear it is the latter. The natural give and take in a relationship doesn't always work.At least, not in the timeframe which might seem reasonable. Sometimes the giving exceeds the taking. As long as my boundaries are in check, I should be able to withstand the times where I am lending and not experiencing an equal return. The boundaries refer to keeping myself healthy as opposed to giving till bankrupt. After all, as I said, am I giving out of a pure and loving heart or am I giving because I want something in return?

So, I need to use this filter the next time I am involved in friendship. Do I act out of love and concern or do I have my eye on myself? Granted, we all have needs but I learned along time ago ... keep forgetting it but nevertheless learned it anyway ... only one can truly meet my needs. It was probably by design humans try but fail in sustaining one another. Otherwise why would we need the Creator?


Caroline

p.s the above post, much like the post of 12/02/07 remind me, relationships continue to vex my world. But right behind the glorification of God, I believe they are the main reason for our existence.

I have been bad about posting. If I get on the Box to examine why, my answer comes up with ... too distracted with other stuff, mainly that walking program I mentioned earlier. When you are in the midst of doing something you don't like to do, I believe it requires more energy to accomplish the undesirable task.

So the walking thing ... I may have turned a tiny corner. I have diligently done my at home assignments. I feel good about that. The first walk I did with the group since the initial outing, I thought I might not be able to finish. Technically it was 4.8 miles but when you count the long walk to the car and back, it was at least 5 miles. Somehow, after finishing that day, I still felt like a loser. I walked at the back of the pack along with some nice coaches. Only one other person was behind me. I know I shouldn't compare but really, it is hard not to feel discouraged when you look around and see everyone else ahead of you.

During the following week, I again did all home assignments and seemed to pick up my pace a bit ... literally!

I am getting to the turning point. Last Wed. the group task was a walk in the park. Literally not figuratively! Round and round a pond was the scheduled route but when my group arrived it had begun to sleet. I went two laps and then the coaches decided to call it quits. Yes! I was cheering inside but I should have known better. My diehard walking friends not only didn't want to quit, they wanted to venture off the scheduled task and do their own walk up some large hill and back.

I honestly didn't know what to do. The group had dwindled to around 6 people and I knew I could never keep up with my friends. It was growing dark and I did not know my way around the park. Seemingly out of nowhere appeared a mother and son team. She was walking about my pace and said she would be happy to stay back with me. Wow! What a gift. She was a cop to boot so I felt nice and secure.

The turning the corner part came when I not only walked up the long hill and back but kept a good pace and didn't feel horrible at the end of it. For the very first time I felt that I just might be able to do this.

This week has had scheduling problems combined with bad weather but I am not giving up.

I'll keep you posted. Get it?

Later, Caroline