Sadness

Yesterday sadness clung to me like today’s low-lying clouds swathed on the landscape of the valleys alongside the freeway. Thick and seemingly impenetrable yet in reality, having no real substance at all. When I tried to articulate my woes to a friend, I felt like a silly seventh-grade schoolgirl not picked for Student Council.

Funny thing is, when most girls were experiencing social anxieties and feelings of isolation during those years between 12 and 16, I was not.

At the first Girl’s Club meeting, I remember leaving the room for a vote and returning to find myself elected President. I was on the B-squad for cheerleading and on the A-list for almost every party. I had a Junior in High School invite me to Homecoming (my parents said no). Socially speaking, I think I peaked out in Jr. High! In today’s vernacular, I was the s-h-i-t!

High School seemed relatively pain-free and remembering college days makes my heart sing. So I guess it was bound to happen. Some social despair finds it’s way into everyone’s circle at some point in time.

Relationships have ups and downs. Friendships wax and wane.

Real or imagined, I feel alone.

This disease fosters feelings of isolation. No one wants to hear how I really feel. True descriptions of my symptoms would elicit cries of “TMI!” When others are making plans for weekend get-aways I am just hoping I can make the drive to Kroger and back without incident.

Some other things drift behind the scenes. Friends fighting cancer. Job woes for those I hold dear. And I hate being misunderstood. I abhor unresolved conflict. When the two meet, the effects of both often multiply. And sometimes those, not even involved, choose to take sides dismissing the adage of “there are two sides to every story” and scorn me unnecessarily. I know dwelling on this negates the positive things I pursue for healing.

So today I followed my own sage advice and partook of some of my favorite tank-fillers. Trip to favorite coffee shop for tea and a scone…check! Visit to Half-Priced bookstore for purging and acquiring of books … check! Treatment from new Dr. (who I love and adore more with each ensuing visit) …check! Lunch with a favorite friend who totally gets me …check! Time for reading new favorite book (1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp) …check! Late afternoon coffee and neighborhood Bookclub later tonight!

Seeing the needle rise as we speak,

Caroline

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 26, 2012 at 2:38 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.