Try as I might, I can't seem to do this on a consistent basis. I fear its a direct reflection of my lack of discipline in other areas of my life. My regular blogging friends encourage me but alas, I fall short.

I let things get in the way. I get emotionally highjacked. This week I faced a grave disappointment. For over two years I have been trying to sell my mother's condo. She passed away the summer of 2006. For the first year I simply was not ready to completely clear it out and shut the door on those memories. I had a sign in the window but didn't give a thought to the sporadic inquiry calls I received. As time wore on, I became increasingly more anxious to be rid of this financial obligation.

There were several close calls but last week was the closest of all. A friend of my mother's visited the property 3 times with friends and family. We had a verbal agreement over the phone with absolutely no hesitation detected during our numerous phone conversations. When my husband received the email stating she had changed her mind, you could have blown me over with a feather. We were about an hour away from driving to town to begin the final stages of clearing.

When something seems secure in the palm of your hand and then disappears without warning, it requires an adjustment. I was moving in one direction and then spun off balance, only to land on the floor in a dizzying heap. Its the picking myself up off the floor that I am getting better at. My girls help me with that.

They remind me to not stay mired in despair. Find my tank-fillers and dwell there rather than in unfortunate circumstances.

I am very sad about the sale. Not convinced its totally over. I refuse to let it shape my outlook for very long.

I want out of the real estate business but I guess thats not to be for now.

Caroline

I love the concept of mentoring. Teach what you know. For me, its how I try to navigate life. I had my first real mentors when we lived in Spain. Besides good life modeling, they taught me how to teach myself, how to become a self-feeder.

So I was fortunate. I had very heady, cool people teaching me how to ratchet up my relationship with God. I still have contact with most of those people. In fact, last night we had a birthday dinner for my hubby with one of the couples most influential in our lives. They are some of our favorite people on the planet.

During conversation we pondered what had become of the man who invested in all our lives, one of the men who taught our mentors how to mentor. I jokingly said we should google him to see if we could track him down.

Unfortunately I remembered to do that when I got home. Along with some of his book reviews for Amazon products was the listing of him as a sexual predator. l felt sick. I don't really know how to process this information. I will tell my other friends what I found but part of me wants to pretend this is a dream.

People make mistakes. Sometimes the court makes mistakes. Upon further digging, I see he admitted to the crimes. He is serving two back-to-back 25-year sentences and a lifetime of parole should he ever get out.

I am profoundly sad for the inevitable pain this has caused for all those involved. I still love the man for the way he invested in my life. I find it curious that someone so steeped in an intense relationship with God should veer so off track.

But wait a minute, there was this guy ... a king actually, named David, who lived a long time ago. I think he did some pretty heinous things and yet he was referred to as a man after God's own heart. Even more curious.

Grace and mercy, curiouser still.

Grateful,
Caroline

I drink guilt-free Orange Freezes when I am sick. Its one of the few perks of feeling lousy. They are cold and refreshing and when made with orange juice, I count them as one of my fruit food groups for the day. Well, that's a stretch but hey ... I'm sick.

When I was little my mom made me weak hot tea and saltine crackers spread with the thinnest layer of butter. She'd bring a plate of them to my bed, a couple spread with grape jelly as well but always some plain with just butter. If the sickness lasted more than a day, I would get a magazine as well. Seventeen or Glamour.

I miss my mom. No one takes care of you quite like a mother. No matter how wonderful your significant other, there's nothing like a mother. (cute, huh?)

Now that I am a mother its a pain to be sick. I stare at dirty dishes and laundry piled on the floor and wonder who will do them. Oh wait, its me. Layers of dust thicken and the milk container has only an inch left in the bottom, just enough for morning tea.

The bed beckons but the house around me screams, "hey I could use a little attention over here." Such a dilemma. If I don't do a little cleaning I won't know if my sneeze is from chest congestion or because of the overwhelming dirty house.

These are the times I pray I never get cancer. I know I couldn't make it through the treatments. Feeling out of sorts with a virus and bladder infection are one thing but to have ugly cancer cells invading my body and chemo waging war with my immune system is unfathomable to me. I admire cancer survivors. I don't need to walk a mile in their shoes to hold them in high esteem.

When I was at my worst four years ago with ulcerative colitis, I got a taste of serious illness. Sitting in the bathroom going from both ends with severe cramping and bleeding scared the crap out of me. ( knew the pun was coming but could not stop it)

Now this bout of sickness is child's play compared to all that but I want the lethargic cloud looming over me to disperse. I don't even feel like reading ... yikes!

Hacking, Caroline

As I unloaded the dishwasher today, I noticed a small chip in the lid of my favorite teapot. My initial reaction was one of disappointment but quickly I realized there was no threat to the functionality of the pot so the chip is purely a cosmetic issue. A similar thing happened with my Harrods tea towel. It sports a couple of holes from well use.

Saving things probably comes from being an only child. If I keep it in a cupboard it is safe and protected in case I might need it someday. But these two items show a little progress on my part. I am actually using some of the things I love. If I don't get out my favorite things now I will look like a fool should I die young. In fact, that thought motivates me to enjoy them now.

What if I die tomorrow? If I lived in light of that possibility, I would probably do things differently. Live life to the fullest. Grab life with gusto. Savor each moment. Live as if there is no tomorrow. I hear these mantras but don't truly embrace them.

This requires more pondering. Not pulling out all the stops, depleting myself of all material and emotional resources and yet living my life with a little more verve.

Caroline