Many days I am feeling depressed. I experience a burst of activity and then two hours later, I crash and burn, ending up on my bed under the down comforter even when the temperature is 90 degrees outside. My friends are encouraging me to call my doctor. It's on my to-do list but something keeps me from dialing the number.

I spent time with a friend today who I don't see very often. Something connected between the two of us the first few times together and she truly feels like a soul mate. She can see things in me that others don't or at least don't bother to call out. Today after much catching up on family and work, she looked at me and said something to the effect of, “Now are you really going to tell me what is going on in your life?” There is no sneaking anything by this girl. She used the adjective “distant” to describe what she was sensing in me. When questioned, she knew it was not a distance between the two of us, just a vacancy of some sort going on within my soul.

I discussed the possibility of depression and she reminded me it had only been a year since losing my mom. She suggested that this is the first year I will truly experience her absence owing to the fact, last year was spent in a daze. Perhaps I have now come out of the stupor of the true first year and now will live life in the reality of her death. There is some wisdom in her words.

Somehow I felt a little lighter considering this possibility. I am thinking I will postpone that phone call another week and see if I can’t see the sadness of Mom’s passing in my low moments. Perhaps I will end up with a little help from a little medicine but for now, I will continue to sort it out on my own.

Thanks Girlfriend!

Caroline

Wednesday night rides are rocking my world. I am just starting this venture but when I ride out, I am not disappointed. This past Wednesday, the ride coincided with a visit to the QSL Bike night Harley give-away. A bit intimidating, but what the heck.

The majority of the scooter riders live 30 miles from me so often, small groups of us will meet in familiar locations, ride to join other small groups until we are all together in one big pack. Such was the case this week. I met my friend at CP and she led us on a 40- minute ride clear across town to meet the larger group. I rode past landmarks I had only heard about my last 18 years living in this city. It was beautiful. This glorious ride covered the full economic spectrum of neighborhoods.

After joining the larger group, we headed back toward my side of town. The ultimate destination point was less than 15 minutes from my house but going directly there defeats the purpose of the RIDE. Besides, I was not too excited about riding in, alone on my scooter under the wary stares of the Harley riders.

So the big biker people were nice for the most part. But there is a tendency for some snobbery when it comes to engine size. I suppose it is a microcosm of the world today. For most people, bigger is better. We are not the best at embracing those even slightly different than ourselves. I am as guilty as the next but aware of the problem and trying to do something about this shortcoming. (The message of my favorite book, Blue Like Jazz)

As we left the parking lot, some drunken biker yelled a very crude comment to my riding partner. It was a shame to end the night that way. I think it will be a while before I refer to all bikers as "My People" again. See … I am talking out of both sides of my mouth and showing snobbery in reverse. I want to love and embrace the big guys but only if they aren’t mean to me. That’s a pretty sissy approach to brotherly love. I obviously don’t have this whole love thing figured out but as I said, I am working on it.

Peace Out, Caroline

A while back, I read this great book, The Jane Austen Book Club. There is currently a movie out made from the book playing at my favorite local theater so I sent an email to the Book Club suggesting we all go and see it ... since we read the book and all.

Well I got very little response and in the end only one of the other members went with me to see the movie. So, Jackie and I went to the movie and as we walked back to the car, she ever so gently suggested that perhaps the lack of response for the movie trip had something to do with us, as a book club, never actually reading the book - The Jane Austen Book Club. Surely not, I insisted. I am sure we read this book. During the movie, I annoyingly kept whispering to her, "do you remember this part from the book and that part, yada... yada....' She kept answering no, I don't remember and I don't think I read the book.

So I come in the house after she drops me off and check the list. It's a long list,mind you. Our club has been meeting 13 years.

I am a dork, that's all I am going to say.

Well, no, one more comment. My book club should really read this book sometime. It is great and the movie is great as well. :)

Caroline

I am learning an important lesson. Most of the time I consider myself relationally gifted and yet I am just now learning some remedial relationship truths. When you feel emotionally depleted, figure out which things fill you back up and then begin to do them. Just like an engine needs fuel, my emotional tank needs things which give me succor.

Pride often keeps me from filling my tank. I believe I can run on empty or by the sheer depth of my caring, when in fact, I need filled just like anyone else. Lack of intentionality keeps my tank on low as well. For me, getting filled takes deep thought and perseverance to find quality sustenance. Knowing myself is key. Allowing others to know me is essential.

Hopefully, my writing this will serve as a reminder to pay more attention to me when I am feeling low. Surrounding myself with good and thoughtful people who know me well, and who will help process my emptiness, supplies me with a filled tank.


Caroline

Vacation on the Panhandle was wonderful. I have never placed Fla. in my top places to live but something about this region feels different than the rest of the Sunshine State. Whenever I go near mass bodies of salt water, save Utah, I have three priorities; eat raw oysters, read as many books as possible and try to avoid 2nd degree sunburn. I believe I was successful on all three accounts.

Double red flags flew on the beach the first full day there. Not good for swimming, unless you want to get arrested. The next day was a single red flag. Still not great but no jail time involved with taking a dip. Finally the water calmed near the end of the week and the color of the flag should have flown purple ... sea pests! Jellyfish were everywhere so in a move entirely out of character for me, I hit the pool harder than the surf.

The seafood was fabulous. One night fru fru fish dishes were the fare and the next night, raw oysters in a biker bar. Doesn't get a lot better than that in my book.

As for the reading, I made a tiny dent in my stack.

I would write more but I am tired from re-entry so I will have to expound at a later date.

Love the white sand and turquoise sea! Thank you Joy and Dennis!

Caroline