I let some time slip by. I wrote several entries in my head but they never made it to the keyboard.

Saturday was spectacular. The weather was sunny and warm, almost too warm too soon for my liking. Landscapes are beginning to resonate green rather than gray. We gave one of our old junky cars to a friend of my son who badly needed wheels. Not much of a gift but he appeared grateful. But best of all, I drove for 2 hours to see old friends.

I feel young again just sharing memories over lunch. The organizer of the get together leads a very interesting life. All eyes and ears fell on her and the rest of the room disappeared when she recounted her life story. Its exciting to slip into the shoes of someone else's life for an afternoon.

There is something about being with people who know your history. Connecting Dick with Jane. Remembering who had a crush on who.

I loved that time in my life. I even loved Junior High. I peaked then, popularity wise. Cheerleader, Student Council, Girls Club President, invited to all the cool parties.

Its good to remember. Its good to feel like a 16 year-old again. Life, with so many opportunities. It can be full and rich now but the possibilities are fewer and many of the dreams are lost to the practicalities of middle age. I will never do such and such now. I will never have this or that.

Growing old gracefully means learning to live with the loss of dreams and yet not be afraid to keep dreaming.

Living the dream (at least some of them),
Caroline

Back from an emotionally draining Women's event 2 weeks ago.
Back from a devastating loss of a pet.
Back from college visits in the South.
Back from Prom dress shopping with my only daughter.
Back from visiting one of my favorite people on the planet.
Back from meeting my son's future in-laws.
Back from visiting the various event sites for the July wedding.
Back from seeing the separate life my oldest son has established for himself and his fiancee.

But best of all ... the Son of God is back from the grave.


Justified by the precious blood,

Caroline

Its hardest when I come back in the house. She used to be right at the door to greet us with a bounce and a wagging tale. But looking back, its been several months now that she has done that. Her hearing has failed so over the last year. Lately we have gotten all the way in the house and walked over to her pillow before she knew we were home.

Still it was the tail wag that made me feel loved. Animals can do that even without speech. Amazing. I am not quite feeling that same adoration from the cat yet.

I inherited my mother's cat when she passed. Her name is Callie. She is a calico ... surprise! Well she is beautiful but very skittish. We enter a room and instead of a special greeting like the dog, she turns and runs. There must have been some mistreatment before my mother got her. One time she disappeared for a couple of months. My mom thought she had lost her for good. But one of her condo friends saw a bedraggled Callie wandering among the units. She scooped her up and took her over to mom's. They both had a bit of difficulty deciphering if it was really her. She must have had one heck of a spree.

The cat did not appreciate becoming part of a dog household so she stays upstairs while the dog stayed below. Its been several years since Heide could climb the carpetless stairs so Callie felt quite safe up in the penthouse.

I wonder how long it will take her to realize the threat is gone. No more clicking of nails across the hardwood. No more barks at the UPS man. No more whining for popcorn. Those sounds are gone.

The whole house is yours now, Callie.

Caroline

Yesterday I had to put my 15 year old dog down. We got her as a puppy. We like small dogs so we picked the runt of a litter of small dogs. She was a great dog. Our first dog was Bart. We got him in the desert of Las Vegas back in the early 80's. He lived all over the world with us. We called him the "wonder puppy".

Heide was just Heide but she was wonderful. I am completely serious to say that just in the last month or so did she start to bark when she wanted out. Don't tell me you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Before, she would just come and stare up at you when she wanted something. It was a little frustrating but then you get used to the habits of your animals and learn to pattern your life around their quirks.

Speaking of going out, we would have to talk her into it on cold or rainy days. Almost push her out the door. But she would go and do her thing. Once during a very cold and snowy time she wouldn't go off the back deck to do business but that was an exception to her normal obedient behavior.

Our favorite trick was rolling over for a treat. She also did a mean "stay" when we slid her a treat across the floor. She would stare at us till we gave the word to snag the item.

I want to change my theology to include souls for animals. I want to see her again. Most pets have such personalities, surely they have a soul. Perhaps God created them with sinless souls. That way they don't need the redeeming process of Christ's blood. They are just a-ok just the way they are. That would be great. I would love to see my favorite animals in heaven.

Or maybe they are like the angels. These creatures abide in heaven and yet have no soul. Hmmm. Something to ponder.

I loved her and already miss her so much that my chest hurts.

And I thought my blisters were painful.

Caroline

I have been wearing backless shoes since Saturday afternoon. I wore stupid shoes without stupid socks to my Tea and now I have blisters on both heels. Anything that touches them brings forth pain. When I sit still on the couch I can feel them throb.

Same kind of pain going on in my heart right now.

Peace out,
Caroline

I feel weighed down with sadness. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "life is good right now" or "things are feeling good". I only camp there momentarily because I know the winds will change direction soon. Life is full of chaos and disappointment. I feel like I have written this all before. Probably because I have.

I had a good week last week until I hit Friday morning. An event I was in charge of started to experience some minor complications and I began to stress. Said stress spilled into Saturday morning, the day of the event, and grew in intensity because of the careless words of a participant.

I had a problem right before the event when a woman approached me and accused me of being rude to her husband. I was totally thrown for a loop. I could not believe she was serious nor could I believe she was actually so burdened by her thoughts that she seemed unable to control her urge to "let me have it" the moment she saw me. And to do it minutes before an event I was in charge of and was slated to speak at. It was very disconcerting. Fortunately I found a friend and she prayed with me privately to put the ordeal behind me. After a bit of a struggle I was able to compartmentalize and move on. I kind of convinced myself that her accusation was more in jest than of the serious nature I originally received it.

Until she again approached me on Sunday morning to apologize and explain her comments. This again was disturbing in that this confirmed that she did indeed have an axe to grind with me and the comments the day before were not said in jest. But hey ... at least she was apologizing. So I waited for a call as she had promised and received an email later in the day instead. Again, an apology ... good. But the ending implied only sorrow for the timing of her comments not that she felt they might be out of line or possibly based on some misconceptions of an event relayed to her by her spouse. There were no clarifying questions being asked. No effort to understand what might have really taken place. Just an ending comment implying that she would have to accept the slight to her husband and move on.

Oh how I wish there could have been the benefit of the doubt given. How often do we hear of something and let our emotions cloud the reality of what really happened. Why do we often choose to think badly of someone instead of catching ourselves, reminding ourselves of what we know of that person and then comparing the two "realities" and concluding I know so-and-so is not really like that so it is likely the whole event did not happen as it was related to me?

My other frustration lies with the life and times of my teenage daughter.

I received a scathing letter telling me how much she hates me and my inability to parent well has all but ruined her life. Normally we parents nod and wink at these accusations but this time around its a bit more serious in nature.

I am trying to sort this all out. Broken friendships. Broken trust with a daughter.

Broken hearted,
Caroline