Tomorrow we leave for Family Week. A friend referred to it as "family camp". I laughed and said it will be more like "hell week". I am trying to think of a good analogy for something like this. You are facing something tough. You know you have to go through it, no real outs. You know things will be better (hopefully) when you come out the other side but you sure as heck don't want to go through the process. How about Labor and Delivery? Maybe thats a good comparison.

Most of this apprehension I am experiencing likely comes from fear of the unknown. I have no idea what will be thrown at us when our daughter gives her "life story". Sometimes ugly stuff comes out. In an odd sort of way, I hope some yucky stuff does surface. Real healing cannot occur with infected puss laying below the surface. Let's lance the wound and expose the sore to air and light.

Of course I doubt if its one particular thing. More like several injustices served to her during her life, some baring more weight than others. Whatever ... lets all just deal with it.

On a brighter note ... we get to spend time with good friends again. One is picking us up at the airport, taking us to a great Mexican restaurant and letting us hang during the day and the other is hosting us for our stay at the treatment center. Both couples are great hand holders during this difficult time.

Need to go pack. All prayers welcome for our time out west.

Gearing up,
Caroline

I just found out my daughter, after leaving her treatment center, can have no direct contact with her therapist for 7 years. Took me aback at first but after pondering this, it makes perfect sense. She (the therapist) needs to be free to concentrate on all her new assignments and if she had "remnants" of all the past nagging at her time, she would likely become bogged down and unable to give full attention to the ones she is actually being paid to help. I picture her with post-it notes stuck all over her. Several dealing with her current clients is understandable; conference call with Sue and folks at 2:00, hike with Barb at 4:00, group session with Nancy at 1:00, etc. But add in all the past gals and stuff starts flying off and getting lost in the crush of time and emotional expenditures.

Keri (from 3 years ago) is now dating a loser, Megan (2007) dropped out of school, Rebecca (2008) got married, and on and on. There is the ability to compartmentalize and then there is overload. Even if she could respond to letters written from old clients (this is allowed) surely she would disappoint them in her responses. She would need some kind of spreadsheet to keep track of everyone.

Yes this is a good plan to protect her AND my daughter.

I am curious as to how many letters she does receive from past clients. I wonder are there any tugs on the heartstrings when she reads them. What if she ever runs into them in real life settings. Does she have to look away and hope their eyes don't meet or can she smile and give a hug and do a little small talk?

To become so totally immersed in another's life for two months and then to have to walk away seems somewhat akin to breaking up a love relationship. You learn all their secrets and with those secrets comes a bit of power and and intensified attachment. But you know the rift is coming and you can't really afford to disassociate as the ending draws near. You need to stay engaged right up until the last hug good bye.

I am thankful she is free to fully engage with my daughter. There is real work going on there and I am encouraged. God bless her for working in a job where her heart may get broken a tiny bit every time a client packs her suitcase to go home.

She is investing in something which will last forever ... people. If you've got the guts for it, always a good choice.

Caroline

Tonight we receive the second conference call with the therapist. I sit here experiencing a mixture of dread and excitement. I dread the inevitable confrontations of my mothering mistakes but feel excited for my daughter to begin to emerge from the shadows of her addictive behaviors. Its all quite bizarre, really. How does one feel good about doing something so unnatural.

If I am honest, I suppose I enjoy unnatural behaviors, too. In a perfect world, I would eat when hungry and stop when full. Its unnatural to eat for comfort. Common, but not natural. I am sure there are many many other things I do which fall into this particular behavior category.

So tonight I will listen with an open mind and a somewhat protected heart. I already have a hint of what we will begin to process. I will take my hits if its necessary for her healing but I won't relish the battering.

There already exists a lot of battering in life. I can't think of a single friend who isn't struggling with some sort of blow to the heart. Dying parents and siblings, abuse, alcoholism, wayward teens and on and on. Which begs the eternal question ... how could a good God let such things happen?

Lately, I find great solace in pondering this question. Suffering always leads to something else ... some sort of change. I have begun to examine the argument of God's involvement, backwards. What if He isn't involved at all in either the good or the bad? Makes for some interesting bedtime discussions.

But if He is the God I think He is, I want Him involved in my phone conversation tonight. Not in my head as much as in my heart. Her heart too would be nice, while I'm asking.

Caroline