Well, I sit in the airport but my heart is 2 hours away on a ranch in the desert. We dropped off our daughter to a treatment facility for her eating disorder. It will be a good thing in the long run but in this very moment, it hurts like hell.

Her struggles have been too long and too deep and so we felt compelled to take this drastic step in hopes of gaining our girl back. God blessed us with good friends near the facility and so we experienced lots of TLC as we went through the admission process. I love the friends God has given us to walk through life with. I know the rest of the small army stayed back in their own homes and prayed like crazy. We felt the prayer cover.

I say that and yet it is so hard to describe how the prayers of the people convert to an inexplicable sense of peace and love. I imagine some supernatural transaction happening in the cosmos. One prayer sent up, colliding with the mysterious power of God and then exploding into droplets of calm and comfort which then rain down upon the subjects of the prayer. Probably not even close.

I'll take it anyway I can get it.

God, hold us in your arms during this present storm. I can bare the bumps in the night if I know you are there.

Holding on,
Caroline

Like I am sending my daughter off to camp but wait, school has started and camps are over for the summer.
Like I am throwing her to wolves yet I know they are sheep just sounding like wolves at times.
Like she will be a million miles away and unreachable yet good friends live just minutes from where she will be.
Like she will never be the same again, but that is a good thing.
Like I will not be there to wipe the tears but tears for her will be healing.
Like even though this is part of "her story" I would wish for many many other things less painful.
Like I don't know what the house will feel like without her presence.
Like no one really understands how such a lovely young woman can feel so much pain regarding her life.
Like I have a million friends right now showing their support.
Like I can't imagine re-entry.
Like I can't wait to see how God will touch her life while she is gone.
Like my world is spinning slightly out of control.

Like I must have a faith like never before to survive this.

Caroline

BLOGS are receiving some pretty good press these days. If you haven't seen Julie and Julia, run don't walk to the theater! Delightful. I love Bloggers who write with abandon. I want to write with abandon. I want to live life with abandon. Sounds good as on a headstone ... Here lies Caroline, She lived and loved with abandon... don't ya think? What would that look like?

One of my favorite bloggers makes lots of lists on her posts. I think I'll try it too.

Living life with abandon:
1. Dance in the moonlight ... naked.
2. Drink champagne every Sunday.
3. Make fresh squeezed OJ every morning.
4. Have real french croissants slathered with Irish butter and homemade strawberry jam with above beverage every morning.
5. Get pepperoni, ham AND bacon on my pizza.
6. Move to Europe.
7. Never wear pantyhose again ... ever!
8. Stay up reading till the cows come home.
9. Go a month without cooking.
10. Chase tornadoes.
11. Smoke every now and then.
13. Tell a few people they behave badly. A conversation similar to, "That was badly done, Emma, badly done, indeed."

The rest of the list might get me fired or killed so I will stop.

Caroline

After 20 years in one place, we may be looking at a move. I can't even believe it even as I type the words. 30 years ago I married an Air Force fighter pilot and expected to move all over the world for the rest of my life or at least until retirement. That changed when he sought a more stable career with the airlines. Ha! The joke is on us.

Back during our early years we moved every three years or so. I found myself getting restless at about the two and a half year mark. It was exciting to wonder where we would be sent and who my next close friend might be. I seemed to gather a few lifetime friends at every assigned base we passed through. Sometimes we were lucky enough to see them again but often the friendship was maintained through cards, letters and phone calls.

Everyone knew the moving routine so people made friendships quickly. None of this messing around, wondering if someone looked fun to get to know. It was "you snooze, you loose." when it came to building friendship circles. Your soul mate just might be moving in six months so you better get cracking on those lunch dates.

It is different where we live now. Many people stay in one place a little longer. Most of my good friends now have been here most of their married lives. We have watched each other's children grow up, gone to each other's 40th birthday parties, and spent endless summer nights on our decks, sipping wine and swatting mosquitos.

Who will invite me over to their decks if I move away? Bring me matzo ball soup when I am sick? Plan overnight girl trips? Help me clean and organize my house? Care enough about my kids to pray me through the tough times? What on earth will fill the hole in my heart if I have to leave these people?

No, nothing on earth,
Caroline

Caroline

I had something interesting I was going to write about yesterday. I formed it in my head. Came just short of the punch line and was quite pleased with myself. Now, for the life of me, I can't remember a darn word of it. Not even the topic.

I hear people talk of this sort of thing...the memory loss, the misplaced keys, the missing TV remote.

Maybe I will remember but most likely its gone like the newness of summer once July 4th is over. I hate that. Memorial Day comes around and I get all excited about the summer ahead. June seems to creep and then boom, Fourth of July is upon us. The very next day I feel as if summer is almost over.

Maybe this has to do with band camp. This is our 13th and final year involved with band. Camp takes up the whole of August so, in fact, our summers are only two full months long. I miss the good old days where no school started before Labor Day. Summers were long and hot (we had the coolest July ever where I live) and I could go to the swimming pool and bake without the worry of dangerous rays.

I am a self-professed pool moocher. I obsess about swimming pools and water. Ironically, there is a swimming pool in the back yard of our neighbor directly behind us which never gets used. I considered asking if we bought the chemicals and offered to clean the pool whether they would mind a small ladder over the fence so I could swim at my leisure. This would never happen as our relationship with said neighbors is not of good standing.

They often complained of loud music playing when our teens were all home. Even I got in trouble for playing a loud CD while bouncing on the trampoline one day. Oh brother. People with such low tolerance for fun would never understand my pool obsession.

So I ride my scooter with no jacket when I am dying for a dip. Its like swimming with clothes on. The cool air rushing over your skin feels as close to a plunge in the pool without all the chlorine and wet towels.

Time to go for a ride,
Caroline

I have been having some stomach problems of late. Without grossing out the reader, it has to do with painful gas and bloating. These pains also strike the memory nerve of when I was sick with my Ulcerative Colitis. Its called "flaring". I don't want to go back there again but I know it is probably just a matter of time.

My symptoms for that, much worse than the above mentioned pains, have been in remission for over 3 years. I am grateful for that time but I would very much like to extend that by several more years.

Does this sound greedy? I actually spent 5 days in the hospital last time. Who does that these days? My doctor, who I love, was on the verge of ordering surgery which I am still hoping to avoid that at all costs.

Colon surgery is a two-parter. You go in and remove some of the bad stuff. Receive a temporary colon fashioned from who-knows-what. Take some time to heal. And then they go back in and fashion something permanent of the same who-knows-what stuff.

I wouldn't have to worry too much about colon cancer from that point on, which is a plus but there are some nasty long lasting side-effects.

I'd use the expletive, "crap" right here but then you'd think I was trying to be funny.

Praying for the pain to go away,
Caroline