Sadness

Yesterday sadness clung to me like today’s low-lying clouds swathed on the landscape of the valleys alongside the freeway. Thick and seemingly impenetrable yet in reality, having no real substance at all. When I tried to articulate my woes to a friend, I felt like a silly seventh-grade schoolgirl not picked for Student Council.

Funny thing is, when most girls were experiencing social anxieties and feelings of isolation during those years between 12 and 16, I was not.

At the first Girl’s Club meeting, I remember leaving the room for a vote and returning to find myself elected President. I was on the B-squad for cheerleading and on the A-list for almost every party. I had a Junior in High School invite me to Homecoming (my parents said no). Socially speaking, I think I peaked out in Jr. High! In today’s vernacular, I was the s-h-i-t!

High School seemed relatively pain-free and remembering college days makes my heart sing. So I guess it was bound to happen. Some social despair finds it’s way into everyone’s circle at some point in time.

Relationships have ups and downs. Friendships wax and wane.

Real or imagined, I feel alone.

This disease fosters feelings of isolation. No one wants to hear how I really feel. True descriptions of my symptoms would elicit cries of “TMI!” When others are making plans for weekend get-aways I am just hoping I can make the drive to Kroger and back without incident.

Some other things drift behind the scenes. Friends fighting cancer. Job woes for those I hold dear. And I hate being misunderstood. I abhor unresolved conflict. When the two meet, the effects of both often multiply. And sometimes those, not even involved, choose to take sides dismissing the adage of “there are two sides to every story” and scorn me unnecessarily. I know dwelling on this negates the positive things I pursue for healing.

So today I followed my own sage advice and partook of some of my favorite tank-fillers. Trip to favorite coffee shop for tea and a scone…check! Visit to Half-Priced bookstore for purging and acquiring of books … check! Treatment from new Dr. (who I love and adore more with each ensuing visit) …check! Lunch with a favorite friend who totally gets me …check! Time for reading new favorite book (1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp) …check! Late afternoon coffee and neighborhood Bookclub later tonight!

Seeing the needle rise as we speak,

Caroline

Starting fresh. New resolve. This year will be different. I always feel this way when the calendar turns over. A new me will emerge from the heavy life layers suppressing the true Caroline! I'll have to start wearing a nametag everywhere I go because no one will recognize me.

Up until now, reframing myself has not transpired. I show a minor burst of energy toward change but it fizzles quickly like the snow melting on the warmer asphalt roads of the Midwest winters.

Doing the same thing year after year expecting different results is likened to insanity. I must be a bit crazy then.

2012 will see real transformation. I feel it in my bones. I got a head start last September when I started my alternative/integrative medicine pursuit. It’s hard to explain that while my Ulcerative Colitis (UC) is as bad as it has ever been, in between bathroom stops, I feel great. Some have asked what I attribute this to. Supplements, diet change, acupuncture and prayer, definitely not in that order. The trip to the "new" Dr. was an attempt at avoiding a drug called Remicade (http://www.remicade.com/) and while I still have slight reservations, I no longer am averse to taking this drug. I’ve come to a place of peace with this next step of treatment.

This doesn't mean the new medicine exploration did not work. They never promised to rid me of my UC. They tried unsuccessfully to "turn it off". But I think I went there/am going there for different reasons, some I am not even aware of yet.

Projected transformations:
1. Walk! See this video! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo&feature

2. Travel! See Caroline go … without all the pit stops!

3. Knitting socks! It's intimidating but I'm going to do it!

4. Eat well. Remember, I do know my way around the Whole Food stores now!

5. A steadier dose of God things. You should see the books on my nightstand and Kindle!

I have to go now,
Caroline

Labels: change, knitting, Remicade, walk

The family dispersed to their homes yesterday, save the Phoenix-bound boy who leaves later this week. I watched the buildup of new babies, painted rooms, elaborate menu planning, extravagant food shopping and careful gift purchasing slowly dissipate as the week wore on, ending in one final sigh ... of contentment when the last car drove away. How blessed I feel to have my children enjoy coming home to each other.

We opened gifts on Wednesday, ate a traditional Christmas dinner on Thursday, dined heartily at a local restaurant on Friday, consumed java and scones at our favorite coffee shop on Saturday, rung in the New Year with a bit of the bubbly and all drove to our hometown to have an extended family celebration on Sunday. Love, love, love all my extended family. Even the grumpy BIL who never seems to like what he gets from the Christmas gift game! I love him, too.

All the Christmas boxes still sit stacked in the family room but they are neater than ever, having been organized by yours truly. They'll hit the attic sometime later this week when there is room to maneuver in the garage. Most of the gifts have found homes on proper shelves or in closets. New books sit mingled with the old, ready for a read some quiet winter day. Now its time for pondering the New Year.

I expect great things. I'd love an even cleaner more organized house. I'd like some financial relief from some property that has been on the market for several years. A few new appliances would be nice as some are on their last leg. New furniture for the Lodge room would be great. I want a healthier body.

But enough of the physical.

Love God, love people seems like a great moral focus for the New Year. I do love God even though I kind of took a break from traditional church for a while. And I love people most of the time but here too, I see room for improvement. How to increase my love for both is something worth spending time trying to figure out. Hmmm ... Love expands when the heart is warm and pliable. This always brings me right back to thankfulness. My go-to act to get closer to God and feel more loving toward others lies in an increase in my level of gratefulness. By acknowledging God as the provider, I diminish self.

So goals for 2012: A big heart, full of love for all beings here on earth and in the heavenlies. And instead of a long list of things I want in the New Year (see two paragraphs above), an even longer list of all the things I feel truly grateful for.

Sounding a bit sappy but sincere,

Caroline


p.s. I got a Kindle for Christmas! Perhaps a no brainer for this bibliophile.

Labels: God, gratefulness, Kindle, love, New year