Who Do I Want to Be?

This year I turn double nickels. You would think by now I would have a pretty good sense of who I want to be when I grow up. Not so. I feel as though someone put me in the washer on the spin cycle and walked away for several hours. As Elvis would say, “I’m all shook up!”

At different stages in life, different things tend to define you. High School shenanigans … and there were plenty of them! College explorations. Young married adventures. Parenthood. And now, a bit of an empty nest. But what the heck does that look like?

What do I do all day in my partially vacant roost?

I read, knit, go to Dr.’s appointments, spend a lot of time in the ladies room, occasionally meet with friends for food or coffee, cook a little, clean a little, and ponder a lot.

But changes are coming if I can get some healing under my belt. To add to the above list, I want some action verbs included in my day. Recently I checked out a local health facility where many of my friends go. I’m kind of sneaking up on the idea of becoming a very active member there.

That’s how I do the hard stuff in my life. I walk all around the idea for quite a while, viewing all the angles, circling it several times and trying it on mentally before I sign on the dotted line.

This time around it’s the exercise piece at the health-plex. Last time it was going on Remicade, which is yesterday’s news. (Third infusion is coming up first week in April and so far, so good. Not too much improvement yet, but…)

So now I have ordered a new swimsuit and flip-flops. Bought goggles and some conditioner to take in my swim bag (shampoo and body wash are provided). Practiced my route to the facility. Planning my trial day guest pass. I can feel the water rushing over me already.

Did I mention I plan on swimming? I love pools. I am totally obsessed with them. We have planned some entire trips around a certain pool at a hotel. I am not technically known as a swimmer but this is part of who I want to be. So doing laps in the pool will be my weapon of choice against my sedentary life style.

A reflection begins to form in the mirror, emerging from the shadows of tough times. I think I recognize her but I am not quite certain.

Swimming laps around the old me,

Caroline

Labels: change, Remicade, swimming

Starting fresh. New resolve. This year will be different. I always feel this way when the calendar turns over. A new me will emerge from the heavy life layers suppressing the true Caroline! I'll have to start wearing a nametag everywhere I go because no one will recognize me.

Up until now, reframing myself has not transpired. I show a minor burst of energy toward change but it fizzles quickly like the snow melting on the warmer asphalt roads of the Midwest winters.

Doing the same thing year after year expecting different results is likened to insanity. I must be a bit crazy then.

2012 will see real transformation. I feel it in my bones. I got a head start last September when I started my alternative/integrative medicine pursuit. It’s hard to explain that while my Ulcerative Colitis (UC) is as bad as it has ever been, in between bathroom stops, I feel great. Some have asked what I attribute this to. Supplements, diet change, acupuncture and prayer, definitely not in that order. The trip to the "new" Dr. was an attempt at avoiding a drug called Remicade (http://www.remicade.com/) and while I still have slight reservations, I no longer am averse to taking this drug. I’ve come to a place of peace with this next step of treatment.

This doesn't mean the new medicine exploration did not work. They never promised to rid me of my UC. They tried unsuccessfully to "turn it off". But I think I went there/am going there for different reasons, some I am not even aware of yet.

Projected transformations:
1. Walk! See this video! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo&feature

2. Travel! See Caroline go … without all the pit stops!

3. Knitting socks! It's intimidating but I'm going to do it!

4. Eat well. Remember, I do know my way around the Whole Food stores now!

5. A steadier dose of God things. You should see the books on my nightstand and Kindle!

I have to go now,
Caroline

Labels: change, knitting, Remicade, walk