Tonight we receive the second conference call with the therapist. I sit here experiencing a mixture of dread and excitement. I dread the inevitable confrontations of my mothering mistakes but feel excited for my daughter to begin to emerge from the shadows of her addictive behaviors. Its all quite bizarre, really. How does one feel good about doing something so unnatural.

If I am honest, I suppose I enjoy unnatural behaviors, too. In a perfect world, I would eat when hungry and stop when full. Its unnatural to eat for comfort. Common, but not natural. I am sure there are many many other things I do which fall into this particular behavior category.

So tonight I will listen with an open mind and a somewhat protected heart. I already have a hint of what we will begin to process. I will take my hits if its necessary for her healing but I won't relish the battering.

There already exists a lot of battering in life. I can't think of a single friend who isn't struggling with some sort of blow to the heart. Dying parents and siblings, abuse, alcoholism, wayward teens and on and on. Which begs the eternal question ... how could a good God let such things happen?

Lately, I find great solace in pondering this question. Suffering always leads to something else ... some sort of change. I have begun to examine the argument of God's involvement, backwards. What if He isn't involved at all in either the good or the bad? Makes for some interesting bedtime discussions.

But if He is the God I think He is, I want Him involved in my phone conversation tonight. Not in my head as much as in my heart. Her heart too would be nice, while I'm asking.

Caroline

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