Today is the day! The BIG 5-0. It would be disingenuous of me to pretend I have been dreading this milestone. For quite a while I have referred to myself as “almost 50” so to go and pretend to be sad over this would just be deceitful. Definitely not good Truth Box behavior. Speaking of which, I wonder why I have been borrowing years instead of subtracting them from my real age? Getting on the Box, I am forced to revisit that longing for recognition. Most people 50 and above automatically wear the mantle of mature and wise. Something in me desires the title of Sage and the respect from others. Now, I am pretty sure most people admire these qualities but there exists, deep inside of me a vacuum larger than most when it comes to this need.

My parent’s were supportive throughout my life but in their effort to want the best for me, they would identify ways to do things one-step better. If I finally got my house clean, they would focus on my weight. If I had success in my volunteer arena, they would suggest I should spend more time at home. I processed these exhortations as criticism, never feeling as if I could do enough to please or impress.

To be fair, this veiled disproval came mostly from my mother. She is gone now and unable to defend her actions. Pondering as I write this, I wish I had focused on her desire for me to succeed instead of dwelling on the feeling of failure. She did the classic thing when talking to her peers, referring to me as a shining star but in private conversation with me, I needed to shape up.

The take-away from this is one word … affirmation. I love it; crave it sometimes, so I need to lavish it upon others. I don’t want my kids to always misinterpret my encouragement to do better as criticism. There is a place for that but only if balanced by praise. Sometimes it would have been nice to feel the glow of admiration instead of heat to dance faster as I kept house and parented my four children.

I am sure they both meant well. I want to take well-meaning behavior a step further. I want the next 30 years, if I have 30 left, to live intentionally…to praise the good and dwell on the positive. My children aren’t my only legacy. I count friends in this category as well. If everyone close to me knew for sure how I truly felt about him or her, I would feel successful.

Of course, in the end, it is not me who needs to feel the success for I am here to please Him.

Hebrews 12:1 and Mathew 25:21

The Birthday Girl,
Caroline

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 03, 2007 at 1:03 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.